Citizenship by Trial

Forget questions about Don Bradman, the Rum Rebellion, and wattle. How about a practical component to assess would-be migrants eligibility for Australian citizenship?

  • Dump them out the back on an open beach, preferably one notorious for unstable conditions with plenty of flash rips and holes, well outside the flagged area. Those who make it back to land are eligible for phase two.
  • Present the candidate with the choice of an irukandji jellyfish, a funnel web spider and something harmless. Maybe a large carpet python. They must grasp and hold one of the critters for 5 minutes.

  • Survivors get a two year trial of citizenship which must be served way out west. No, not Ipswich or Cabramatta. I’m talking the Isa. Anyone still alive and keen to reside then becomes officially Aussie as and is allowed to stay.

This has got nothing to do with racism. I’d be as happy as Larry to watch some seppos or poms give it a burl. Hell, I reckon you could sell tickets.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

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19 Responses

  1. You forgot one.
    In transit here, they should be forced to spend 22 hours on a plane with the Australian cricket team, all of whom are drunk.
    Particular care should be taken to seat them next to Warney.
    And the meal should be one of those awful fish curries, full of preservatives, so that the smell of sulphur hangs in the air and clings to their jeans.

  2. I like the way you think, Quokka.

    And if the fumes from the players nauseates the would-be citizen, or the sulfurous fish curry turns their bowels to liquid, the toilets will be out of order or full of cricket groupies and players doing a Fiennes.

    Australians are noted for being resourceful, after all.

  3. I am constantly amazed at the persistent nature of the Australian citizenship issue.

  4. Amazed that some people think it shouldn’t be open slather to come and sample the delights of the land Down Under, PNB?

    Just because we started off being settled by canoeing backpackers from Indonesia, and then overrun by pommie criminals and the odd adventurer from other parts of Europe, doesn’t mean we can’t exercise some choice over who comes here now, surely?

    Why should we be any less fussy about who comes to live here than say, ohh, the U.S. You’d go the irukandji anytime over the green card lottery, I reckon.

  5. PNB I just like to know that visitors know what they’re in for once they arrive.

  6. I didn’t mean to sound critical. I sincerely believe that every nation is entitled to set any standard they wish for naturalization. I admire any country that sets the bar high. I was only commenting on the difference between Australia and the US when it comes to public interest in the issue. Here, the issue isn’t part of the public debate at all. Illegal immigration – i.e., foreigners who are here, working and living, but who make no effort to become citizens – is hotly argued, but citizenship isn’t.

    The issue is so uninteresting that even I, an attorney, don’t know what it takes to become a US citizen. I do know that in 2008 over a million people were naturalized but I have no idea if that is a lot or not.

  7. And I didn’t mean to be snippy – I hope still have permission to worship you from afar.

    Perhaps it interests Australians because it’s quite a novelty for us to have any say in the matter. And we have a reasonably spectacular history of getting it very, very wrong. The (inglorious, regrettable) White Australia Policy was in force here until the 1970s. When the previous government introduced questions about Australian general knowledge – similar to those that respected law journal, “The Simpsons” leads me to believe apply in the U.S – they included in depth questions about cricket history that most dinky di Aussies couldn’t answer.

    However, my intention in writing the blog was to amuse. Sorry to be uninteresting, I’ll try harder in future.

  8. Most people bore the snot out of me. I wish it weren’t true, but it is. Please save your apologies – sincere or otherwise – for someone who might take offense. I would not spend a microsecond here if you weren’t amusing and/or interesting. Currently, you are both. Your being “snippy” is an unexpected but welcomed fringe benefit.

  9. And a great Australia Day to you as well. I trust you will be misbehaving?

  10. Chaz we went up to Sandgate yesterday for some late afternoon kite surfing practice and we noticed that the Flague had begun.

    This is shorthand for Flag Plague.
    I have no idea how bad it is in Perth but here, all the biggest, ugliest and stupidest cars are bedecked in flags. The first time I saw a car with Australian flags flapping from the roof I thought there was some sort of official within and my hands itched for a snipers gun.

    Turns out its just the Bogan Thing To Do.
    We blame John Howard.
    This never happened before he took away the public holiday on Monday and forced the bogans to notice that Australia Day isn’t just the last Monday off before the Little Treasures start back at school.

  11. It depends what you mean by misbehaving, Chaz. If you perform a task, no matter how outre, extremely well, then is it really misbehaving?

    😉

    But during the daylight I’m taking Magic Man down to the esplanade to march in his cricket whites. Aussie as, mate. Then might have a flutter on the cane toad races.
    What are your plans?

    Quokka, when in doubt I blame John Howard. Poor customer service, erectile dysfunction… it usually doesn’t take seven degrees to trace the problem back to that unimpressive weasel of a man.

  12. We plan to spend the day eating Forrun Food.
    Now, if I can just boot this Bloke out of bed and off to the vietnamese bakery for ham and cheese croissants, my day will be running on schedule.

  13. Mmm. Forrun Food. Have a barbeque pork bun for me, please and wash it down with a mexican bun. Or lotus seed paste.

    I thought I might whip up some pho for dinner. That or spaghetti. Watch me get over-ruled. Betcha we have a barbie.

    *sigh*

    Well I’m not baking a bloody pav.

  14. Hey, MM, there’s something in the SMH about a blue moon in aspect to Mars this weekend.
    The Witch in me wants to know if the Witch in You has anything to say on the matter.

    The Bloke wanted to go to Sandgate yesterday to kite surf.
    I had a really bad feeling about it, tried to talk him out of it and he didn’t listen. I decided not to go, and worried all afternoon.

    He scratched the car, fell over, lost control of his kite and then lost his ropes (a few hundred dollars worth). So he’s off out there at low tide to look for them.

    One day he’ll learn to listen to my spidey sense.
    But it sure as hell wasn’t yesterday.

    • Blue Moon in Mars, combined with the upsurge in solar flares of late and the general global argy bargy (earthquakes, mudslides, drought, flood, Tony Abbott) means duck and cover in my book, Quokka.
      Couldn’t agree with you more.

      Good luck getting the bloke to listen, though. A local man who broke AND dislocated his arm trying to Ripstik bet his wife there was no fracture.

      X-rays backed her up, and now he sports a hot pink cast inscribed “listen to your wife”.

      PErhaps we could have a t-shirt made for the Bloke?

  15. Maybe a coffee mug.
    The T-shirt printers are still on back order for ‘FU Lobes’.

  16. Put it where the Bloke will see it – a stubby holder.

    Do we have a graphic for the Lobes shirt… and could we do a SJS front/back thing, maybe?

  17. The graphics my mind has produced involves front to back mating trolls.

    Is that what you had in mind?

  18. No, but yours is exponentially more awesome. I’m all over the mating trolls, Quokka

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