Jihad Kebab

A – to prove I’m not being unPC – half-Lebanese friend of mine and I are talking about opening a kebab shop: Jihad Kebab. The currently available kebabs  are sad, flabby rolls of pallid meat and limp vegetables. I prefer a kebab that’ll bite back, a kebab that will go down reluctantly, fighting all the way and possibly stage a resurgence at some later point in the digestive process. A kebab that takes force majeure to overcome.

We’ll wrap ’em in fire-engine red paper –  much as, in nature, poisonous plants and venomous animals warn off would be predators – and incorporate a length of jute, to create the effect of a fuse poking out the end.

Our motto?: Hot sauce to the infidels!

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18 Responses

  1. Mmmm…turkish food…yum.
    Can’t focus on topic.
    Yum.
    If you are ever in West End you need to stop at King Ahram’s in Vulture Street (just near the boundary street lights) and have one of their kebabs. The garlic chicken or the falafel.
    I’m pretty sure it’s still $3.50 for the falafel.
    Best kebabs in town.

    I can’t look at a firecracker today without thinking of that crazy dude with the shopping trolley loaded with them in the bank in Darwin.

  2. You’d have to carry it home in your jocks to avoid SWAT search and destroy! Whatever, I want one!

    • The plan is that they’re so delicious you scoff it on the spot – when I have a prototype I’ll let you know, Stafford.

  3. Yeah, possibly bad timing and poor taste. I do feel for those poor people – the physical injuries, but perhaps the psychological damage lasts even longer and is harder to treat. What an egocentric psychopath. I hope they find him quickly and throw every book in the Territory at him!

    Having said that, I love the King. Used to come over from New Farm to feast there. Everything is good, but I had a particularly soft spot (waist and hips, mostly) for the lady fingers.

    Mmmmmmmmm!

  4. Its the baklava, for me.
    And that coconut syrup cake, until I figured out I couldn’t ingest preservative 220/dried fruit in any form.

  5. Oh yeah, baklava.

    *just give me a moment, as I remember the crunchy shards of pastry, exploding around syrup drenched roasted nuts…. mmmmm*

    *still fantasising*

    ******

    Sorry, where were we?

  6. Sulphur allergy, Quokka?

    It was such a relief when mine was diagnosed and my mother stopped trying to force me to eat freaking apricots.

    I hate apricots.

    One of these days I will post my Egyptian Love Cake recipe. It is equally as good as baklava.

  7. Commiserations on the sulphur thing, ladies… maybe that means you’re on the side of the angels. since Hell is big on brimstone? Where’s Wim Wenders when you need him….

    Please, pretty please with a cherry on top post the Love Cake recipe – in time for Valentine’s if humanely possible.

  8. Egyptian Love Cake is one of my favourites as it requires a bit of faffing, and tastes amazing. Although you can buy the ingredients pre-prepared, I prefer to do it myself with the mortar and pestle.

    Ingredients:
    * 7 eggs
    * 500g caster sugar
    * 250g semolina (although plain flour will do in a pinch)
    * 375g crushed cashews (best done with the pestle as a food processor makes it too fine – or buy pre-crushed)
    * 2 tablespoons rosewater
    * 2 tablespoons honey (I use raw, it blends better)
    * 1/2 teaspoon fine grated lemon rind (I leave this out because of the sulphur)
    * 1/2 teaspoon ground cardamon (you can buy it ground, but it tastes better if you crush the seeds yourself)
    * 1/2 teaspoon almond essence.

    Method:
    Separate the eggs and put the whites aside. Beat the yolks with the caster sugar until it’s light and fluffy. Mix in all the other ingredients EXCEPT the egg whites, and blend well. THEN get the egg whites and beat them (with clean beaters) until stiff peaks form. Very slowly and gently, fold the beaten whites into the mixture. It will be very sticky and thick, and will take quite a while to blend – don’t rush it though. Patience! Grease a square tin and line it with TWO layers of baking paper. Gently spoon the mixture into the tin. Bake in a preheated 170C oven for one hour. Allow to cool in the pan, then cut into little squares.

    Things I have learned over time:
    If your oven doesn’t cook evenly (most ovens don’t), then you’d best use a lamington tray. The cake will then be shallower, which compensates a bit for the uneven cooking.
    Cut into one inch squares. That makes them the perfect bite size, so you can savour the taste.
    Score the cake very lightly while it’s still hot for a neater edge when you cut it up later. If you don’t score the top, cutting it up cool makes the meringue-like crust on the top go a bit crumbly – personally, I prefer the crumbly crust on top, but it doesn’t look very professional.
    Stores for a week in an airtight container, preferably in the fridge, as long as you have a sheet of baking paper between each layer in the container. Not that mine has ever lasted more than 24 hours.
    If you have the patience, and lots and lots of trays, you can blob teaspoonsful onto trays for individual bites. I’ve only done this once, as it was too much faffing even for me. Also, ‘Egyptian Love Blobs’ doesn’t sound very appetising. If you go with blobs, remember to stack them high (like you do with pav) to compensate for settling and spreading – and make sure there’s plenty of space between them. Cooking time for blobs is about 25 to 30 minutes.

    I acknowledge and thank Alpine Cigarettes for this recipe.

  9. Sounds fabulous! Thank you very much, Catty.

    The ‘sulphur in lemon rind’ comment has got me puzzled, though… I’m thinking lemon zest, you know, the yellow stuff you scrape off the outside of a lemon; should I be thinking candied lemon peel? Or is it sulphur that makes them yellow?

    Thanks, Alpine ciggies… but lurkers please note that if this blog had a sponsor, a luxury chocolatier would be divine.

  10. You’d be amazed what has sulphur in it, Madam. I can’t even use aloe vera on my sunburn. And finding a shampoo or conditioner without sulphur isn’t proving easy.

    On the upside, I’m developing an interest in biochemistry that may lead to a mid-life crisis career change. Or not. I may just open my own chocolate shop. If I do, you’re guaranteed a sponsorship. If I don’t, you may have to ask the people at that new Kebab shop that’s opening soon. That’s if the flag draped bogans don’t burn it down.

  11. How about sorbelene? You won’t get Pantene standard locks but I don’t think it’s sulphur-laden. Derived from petrochemicals, yeah, but… Mmm. Yes, I imagine it IS tricky.

    I’m thinking Jihad Kebab might have to be an underground doner shop. Maybe mobile, like a rave. We could send out sms’s: “Felafel at the skate ramp after 8. Don’t tell any bogans, man!”

    When you say biochemistry, you’re thinking cosmetics and food… or germ warfare? Either/or, sounds like fun.

  12. Catty that sounds delish.
    I’ve copied and pasted it and hopefully tomorrow I’ll remember I did so.

    I just have internal issues with sulphur.
    Started with sulphur based antibiotics but I think I was reacting to dried fruit all my life too.

    Its FKN everywhere but mainly in dried fruit and things like sun-dried tomatoes and wine, and of course, vinegar. They spray the grapes with it on the vine. Its used in caramel colouring which they use to colour all sorts of alcohol – like RUM.
    Bastards. And they add it to FKN organic cider, so that it’s organic cider plus intestinal poison.

    To my great joy today I’ve discovered that they finally removed 220 from Vegemite. That was the one thing that was truly torture. Not that I have hangovers anymore because there’s no FKN alcohol that I can drink.

    Sulphur preservatives start at 220 and go to 230. They are in fizzy drinks, glucose (everything from darrell lea) sweet chilli sauce and in all sorts of salty snacks.

    Catty I get the organic/sulfur free dried fruit from Mrs. Flannery’s. Although it sounds like nothing’s going to help you with your apricot issues after what you’ve been through.

  13. Yep, the biochemistry interest is to do with the effects of chemicals on humans. I’ve been reading all sorts of stuff about herbal medicine and wholistic health, and the more I read the more ignorant I feel. Which is why I might say ‘bugger this for a lark’ and go with the chokky boutique instead.
    Quokka, last year I ate just one single spoonful of Paella at a party. (hey, I was half cut, all right?) There was fresh garlic in it. Stripped my innards so bad, I was pooping blood for three weeks afterwards. But strangely enough, I can handle very small quantities of dried garlic granules and onion flakes. I think it’s because they’ve been dried out and processed to buggery.
    I’ve been reading up on shampoos, and how the chemicals in them are absorbed into the blood stream through hair follicles. What shits me the most – hang on, that would be garlic – what shits me the second most is that ALL the “sulphur free” shampoos and conditioners are full of stuff like aloe vera, citric acid, apricot oil, citronella, ginger, and a bunch of other sulphur-laden stuff. No wonder so many people have eczema!
    When is that van getting here, Madam? I’m hungry.

  14. Well, we might have to hold off on making you a kebab until I can be sure it won’t go through you like a lightbulb smoothie, Catty.

    No garlic, no lemons, no preservatives – that’s cool, I was thinking, fresh and fabulous, anyway. But what else is a no? Are legumes okay? Commercial flatbread is probably riddled with preservatives.

    We don’t have food issues: well, other than the kids turning their nose up at perfectly good homemade meals, thereby infuriating me. It must be really hard to function, ladies in a chemically laden world.

  15. No hummus, Madam Morgana. Chickpeas are full of sulphur too.

    Not hungry any more. I found a box of Lindt balls in the cupboard and ate the whole lot. Now I’m worried the Boss may have bought them as my Valentines Day gift. Oh, dear. All I bought for him was a lace g-string and a jar of strawberry jam. Don’t worry about the preservatives, I won’t be eating the jam. Just wearing it.

    I’ll be wearing the g-string, too. Just had to add that in case you get any weird ideas about the Boss’s sartorial foibles.

  16. Clarification came just in time. I WAS imagining him wearing it, mankini-style, stretched up to his shoulders. With the jam as an adhesive, in lieu of hollywood tape.

    And speaking of Valentine’s have a good one, ladies (and the odd gentleman who visits). If you can’t be with the one you love, love yourself!

  17. Can’t. I’m Catholic.

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