Melbourne Countdown

Cold KittyCat,jpg

By the CERN-level accuracy of my calculations, I think there’s only one month until I join some of you in glorious Melbourne.   Since my own preparations tend to be last minute and slapdash at best, help me work out what the heck I’m doing and what the heck I have to take.

Oh, and will the Spiegeltent still be there?


741 Responses

  1. I can hardly wait! There shall be much feasting and quaffing in your honour. Remember to pack earplugs, though. Otherwise you’ll be deafened by the sound of your own teeth chattering.

  2. Mmm … quaffing.

  3. And possible hijinks. Woot!

  4. I’m a bit old for hijinks, but I could attempt a couple of lojinks.

  5. Lojinks would be best, seeing as you will be fraternising with friends in low places.

  6. Yes, there will be less far to travel in the Arctic environs.

  7. Thanks MM. This should time out well, you’ll have lots of fab photos of cake erm I mean your holiday by the time we’ve cluttered up this thread sufficient to constipate the screen on my ipad.
    That is one very cute cat.
    carry on, all.

  8. Poor cat. The more I look at him, the more I’d like to knit him something to keep off the snow.

  9. If I know cats, that’s not snow. It’s icing sugar, and you probably shouldn’t go into the pantry.

  10. so we were right when we thought it was frost(ing)?

  11. you are one cool dude, MM.

  12. Ice-econd that.

    • hahahahaha you velly funny lady.

    • Aunt Prudences house?! Yes please! Will Fifi come too., I’ll acquire tickets forthwith.

      • No no! I get cheap ones through the RACV membership. I did think of a family ticket and passing you off as our daughter but you’d have to look bored and sulky.

      • I can do bored and sulky. But you have to let me pay.

      • Ooh yesss. You’ll pay….

    • Oh wow. Photos and eat a piece of cake for me, please.

  13. Oops. You meant the tickets didn’t you? Aha. Sure, fine.

    • Hehehe. I’m knitting s scarf, but thanks for the timely reminder to refresh my amulets as well.

  14. Make sure you tell us when you’re due there so that Catty & I can do bored & sulky, too.

  15. I’ll pot a picture of our Devonshire tea in the lavish grounds. That will do the trick nicely.

  16. Purrfect. I must get there one day.
    I must also get to GOMA for the Marvel universe exhibit, that looks…well, bloody Marvellous.

  17. Oh yes. Much excitement about that one in our household too. Maybe we can co-ordinate our visits?

  18. Um, there’ll be a lot of weapons and dangerous alien technology at this gig. Does your youngest have Hannibal Lecter variety restraints in Teen Angst size, yet?

  19. Now that he’s so efficient at cursing people by verbal ill-wish, he hardly ever shoots anyone anymore.

  20. I’ve finally worked out my schedule for that week. It turns out the dancing events are both on the 17th, the weekend before. But I’d still like to stick with Sunday for CAEKing. On the Wednesday of your visit, I have my introductory seminar at the pain management clinic. Finally! I was seriously considering buying shares in Panadol. All my other appointments for the week (so far) are for Thursday and Friday, but I’ll let you know if anything new is added between now and then.

    On the pain thing, I hate to sound like a whiny little princess about it, but I really don’t think I’m physically up to going around the Van Gogh exhibition. There’s other stuff I can do though, like have you over to the hovel for dinner one night, or lunch if that’s easier? My cooking isn’t too flash, but most people find their taste buds go into horrified shock after the first few mouthfuls so you should be all right, and we always have Nexium on hand to deal with the aftershock.

    I also would love an op-shop tour if you have the time. Last time we went to my favourite places – if Fifi is willing then maybe we could visit some of hers? I’d love to know where she and GB get all their cool stuff.

    Have Melbo and Mayhem RSVP’d yet?

  21. Catty you have my undivided sympathy for the art gallery refusal. I feel your pain, quite literally.
    Two GPs now have looked at my damaged foot & told me there is no sign of arthritis & no need to x-ray it – although they do want to ray my shoulder & my right wrist to find out why it’s so hard for me to hold a pen. (Um, aside from 20 years of walking crooked on the bad foot, there’s 20 years of being a remedial massage therapist = arthritis, duh) and yet when I was in at the osteo the other day & I mentioned it, he immediately prodded the joint behind my big toe (ouch and farken) & said ‘Are they blind? Look at the difference between this joint & the one on the other foot, and this is standard osteo-arthritis that you see in people who’ve had foot injuries.’
    Some days I wonder why witches aren’t given the recognition they deserve & then I remember it’s because the outstandingly good ones tend to embarass the establishment by showing them up.

  22. It doesn’t help that there are so very many charlatans out there. Belle Gibson comes to mind. Did you see that she has started up another health business?:

  23. Urgh. Isn’t there enough horror in the world without adding links to that?

  24. I might just bookmark it, for the next time one of my teeth develops a cavity.

    • Ok sounds great! We haven’t really got an agenda yet but GB mentioned some place they’ve discovered that has antiques AND caek so naturally I insisted on a visit. Perhaps you can come to that and we can add in Fifi’s faves as well. And dinner or lunch sounds perfectly digestible. I eat my own cooking mostly without ill effect.

      Q I’d ask some searching questions about what they imagine they could do with the results of a shoulder Xray. If it’s not incapacitating enough for you to contemplate surgery… And there’s no such thing as a shoulder replacement anyway… Then it’s just an intellectual excuse for them and no benefit for you in the radiation exposure.

  25. Yeah it’s just an excuse to get me to piss off so she doesn’t have to write me a medical certificate for uni. The osteo said to play the game as he’s long thought there may be something going on in my right shoulder & if so at least I’ll know.
    I get irradiated every year for the family breast cancer history anyway so what the hell. I don’t plan to live long enough to die of cancer anyway. Trip to Mexico & if I can’t get the Nembutal I’m sure there’s an obliging form of low life who could take me out for a fee.

  26. Yep. My “good” shoulder has become intermittently sore as a boil and I suspected arfuritis. But I had an Xray and ultrasound and it turned out to be bursitis. The GP jabbed it with cortisone which may have given some very temporary relief or it may have been a coincidence. Either way it’s back. I just keep the joint warm (odd for me) and exercise with some wood splitting and stuff and it doesn’t get too bad. Being old(er) sucks a bit though.

    • Yes those shots can do wonders. And since the shiatsu therapist does such a good job of helping this, I’m sure it is something inflammatory, otherwise the remedial massage would do SFA for it.

  27. Oh, the cold! It’s horridbull. You’re going to need more than a scarf, Morgana. You’re going to need a selk’bag.

    • Pfft. I’m sitting outside Hamer Hall listening to jazz clarinet and drinking coffee. And just up the road is a huge German sausage with my name on it.

      • Also there’s a market.

      • Sausage market?! I also wish to visit the sausage market!

      • Alas no. More a crafty market with some quite good food stalls. But it was a good morning. Current temp with wind chill is about 7 so herself is toasting her toes by the fire and reading.

  28. Mmm….you had me at food stalls. How were the toasted toes, did you have Toe Jam on them once they were done?

    • Fifi is a tasty bit of crumpet.

    • Eeww no! The secret with toes is to scrub them thoroughly with a potato brush before toasting.

  29. It’s all right for you, GB, you’ve lived through an ice age. The rest of us are used to tropical QLD, not arctic wastelands.

    • Ix-nay on the Ammoth-may.

    • Heey! There’s nothing wrong with hairy elephants.

  30. No response from GB…. I mastadon something to offend him….

    I’ll see myself out, shall I?

    • How sharper than a sabre tooth…

    • I didn’t know how to type an icy glare…

  31. **** >>>>>

    the asterisks are snowflakes, and the greater thans are the daggers.

  32. Any glare in this weather is an icy glare. Good gracious it’s cold out there! I was just out rummaging through somebody’s discarded brass collection, and I swear there was a neutered monkey in the pile. I didn’t grab it, though. Too much temptation for the Wildebeest.

    • Good call. He’s not reliable, below the waist.

  33. True. I swear, if I have to tase him one more time, I’m going to start charging him for electricity.

  34. Well that does explain some of the static electricity he generates in this weather.

  35. TGP is carrying on like the third act of La Boheme and Gigantor and i have got the sniffles. I hope I’m getting it out of my system before glorious Melbourne! On the upside, the guinea pigs are in rude good health.

    How’s everyone else faring, with winter nigh?

  36. The rarely seen fourth monkey in the set. The one covering his groin?

  37. Monkey Unboxed?

  38. I came here to ask a question about polishing brass, but if I do that now, right after GB’s comment, it would sound way too risqué for my inner prude.

    • “Cheetah! The Brasso bottle is empty again. Show me your paws.”

  39. I’ve got answers to all your brass polishing questions … don’t.

    Brass was HUGE in the 70s, as I recall. i used to help with the polishing. i can still recall the stench of Brasso from here.

  40. One Youtube video displays how tomato ketchup is equally as effective as Brasso, but I dare not do that or the Teenie will start licking it.

  41. Also messier and arguably no more cost effective.

  42. MIL used to have a lot of brass, so I asked her. “Brasso” was the reply, so I went back to Youtube. Turns out all I had to do was cut up a lemon, dip the wedge in a bowl of salt, and scrub it over the brass. It worked, but now I want Tequila.

  43. So do I. Although Vodka might be more suitable for office consumption.

  44. A potato in every shot. Five shots and there’s your daily recommended vegetable intake. Good choice!

  45. So a Bloody Mary is a salad? Whacko!

  46. Who are we whacking?
    I can’t keep up, the list is long.

  47. I’m too tired to whack. Someone make me a Espresso Martini.

  48. Will CAEK do? I has CAEK.

  49. We just had caek. Possibly too much. It was a white chocolate mudcaek from the Cheesecake Shop that seemed delicious on the way past my taste-buds, but seems to not have made friends with my tummy,

  50. Dang about the indigestion but nonetheless…..Cake, oooh. Was that the white-gold mudcake? I’ve missed that, but I prefer their caramel mudcake.

    • We had the caramel mudcake last month. It is most excellent.

  51. Still, the White-Gold is a great favourite of mine & I am surprised it would disagree with you. I wonder if you’ve got a touch of the tummy bug. I had it before Easter & yesterday at coffee the dog school folk were saying it had been afflicting the northern rivers folk.
    Feel better soon, MM. You don’t want that one.

  52. Oh, don’t blame the poor, innocent cheesecaek. It’s probably just your stomach practising for when it has to endure my cooking. I hope you feel better soon too.

  53. We had Fifi’s slow cooked osso bucco for dinner and sopped up the juices with the remains of PB & my bread. Hope your tum is in good form for Melbourne Madam – you may be giving it a workout.
    Also I got up at 10 am this morning (also 11pm, 3, 5 and 7am – ouchy cramps) but surprisingly able to move most of my bits. Shifting a ton+ of wet wood by hand isn’t recommended, especially when it’s raining.

  54. “Sopped up the juices with the remains of PB…” Oh. Oh dear.

  55. I always knew the state of origin had the potential to rouse cannibalistic tendencies in the susceptible.

  56. Curse my inappropriate apostrophes and possessives! Happy to confirm that PB is well and intact. If occasionally slightly nibbled.

  57. How did she taste? I’m asking for a friend…. possibly Morgana.

  58. I would never eat the darling girl … but I would splurt her belly, repeatedly.

    We were without internet all day yesterday while they installed the NBN. Oh, the humanity! It was terrible. Mind you, now I’m connected again I’m not doing much, but at least I’m in touch with the rest of the world as I muck around.

  59. I hope you stay connected. NBN came to our street a few weeks ago, and now our internet and phone calls keep dropping out randomly. It’s bloody annoying.

  60. i could cope, with my knitting and Kindle pre-loaded, but i won’t tell the boys, they’ll have withdrawal spasms.

  61. Oh the horror. Remember the Hellstra ditch witch parked in my driveway while they went out for pies & coke?

  62. Oh, yes. Had to take Gigantor to the doc yesterday arvo, and we drove off to the desolate sign of no truck, a big spool of I assume fibre-optic cable, and no workers. But they came through just after 5, so as long as it’s still on when I go home this afternoon I have no complaints.

  63. We had half an hour with no internet just after dinner. It was not pleasant. I had no idea the Teenie knew so many swear words.

    • And how will he learn more with no Urban Dictionary?! The humanity!

      So far so good, we’ve remained connected since Thursday’s Outage Atrocity.

  64. There was a thing on telly about addiction to devices last night. They reckon that the symptoms exhibited when a person loses their internet access or phone use is the same as a heroin addict. It’s scary – how long will it be before Bill Gates works out how to inject the internet straight into us? He already made a microchip implant for drugs, so an internet implant can’t be far away.

    • Yeah i know what you mean. Personally I’m so grateful my kids could spend their younger years iPad free. We’ll always have Lego and playdough memories.

    • Wait! An INTERNET IMPLANT?? Just let me roll up my sleeve. What do you mean, “drop ’em and bend over”?

      • Be careful. It might not be compatible with your operating system.

      • Ha, Greybeard has been afflicted with iWant

      • I can think of some people who could use a personality upgrade and reboot, but GB is not one of them.

      • I asked my operating system and she just rolled her eyes. Again.

  65. If GB is walking funny next time I see him, I will NOT be putting my hand up for the Mac-enabled version.

    • If we wipe his Windows, does that count as defenestration?

  66. Bugger that. I don’t even wipe my own windows.

  67. I need a window slave here, too. That reminds me, we finally had a tiler here yesterday to quote on the kitchen island benches. It’s only taken a year to entice a good one – the last one strung us along for months before finally admitting that he doesn’t do jobs less than 300m2.
    So it looks like next weekend should be tradie time, here.
    Woohoo. Can’t wait for the bluestone to go up, it should look amazing. I wanted the colour-scheme to have a feel of stormy ocan – hence the greys & blues & that off white reconstituted flecked stone.
    Gradually making progress, here, at our usual snail pace. Everyone says the same thing, though, it’s really hard to get a tradie in to do a small job – they’re all busy in teams building houses and units.

  68. A friend of mine always goes straight to the Grey Army. They’ve never let her down, and they do a wonderful job. If there’s a Grey Army near you, it might be worth giving them a call.

    • And Lord knows it will give their poor wives a break, too.

  69. Hopefully not their hips.

    • Shudder.

      That’s one none of us want. We’d better undertake some prophylaxis. Cheesecake is high in calcium, right?

  70. And cheese flavoured chips.

  71. And scorched almonds. Almonds are full of calcium, then they coat them in chocolate. They should be on the PBS.

  72. I made chocolate brownies with toasted macadamias, and topped with chocolate coated Brazil nuts on the weekend. That counts, right?

  73. Yes, yes it does. So much so that I think I’ll get some peanut brittle in hopes it will fix the filling that fell out of my tooth after the ditzy hygienist scraped it off when she was cleaning them last week.
    Well, I’m off for my nerve conduction tests – pray for me, it means taking the M1 up to southport – and then this arvo I’m back at the dentist.
    You’ll all just have to amuse yourself without me. Feel free to join the dog with his chew toys, downstairs locked in his dungeon.

  74. Where did you get chocolate Brazil nuts? They sound sensational!

    Q, that sounds like a shocking Monday. Still, at least it’s getting all the nasties out of the way early in the week. Good luck!

  75. I coated the Brazil nuts myself. I probably should have toasted them first, but that would have meant having to wait longer to eat them. They are very nommy. Sometimes I dip one half in milk chocolate and the other half in white chocolate. Once I even did the first dip in dark and the second dip into strawberry. It was good, but difficult. Some bastard* kept taste-testing the strawberry chocolate so there wasn’t enough for the whole bag of nuts.


    Good luck with your testing, Quokka. I might be doing a similar test soon, if the nerve-pain-killers they’ve just prescribed me work. (If they don’t work, it’s not nerve pain and I won’t need the test). Tell me how it goes, so I know in advance if it’s going to be unpleasant.

  76. Lyrica, by any chance? That’s the stuff those girls in Gigantor’s class OD’d on, recently. Apparently it’s meant to be like Ecstasy, in very high doses. Wheee!

  77. Grumble about doctors at Catty’s blog so I will sum it all up with ‘Meh’ here. The dentist shouldn’t be a drama, there’s a slight chip out of one of my back molars, it falls out with irritating regularity & just requires glue & a wasted afternoon to pop it back in.
    It’s the last day of good SUP weather on the creek is all.
    Sniff. So I’ve missed out.
    Tomorrow is skin doctor day in Brisbane so I’ll be out early for my bi-annual Barnacle Scraping.
    Catty the electric shocks didn’t bother me (conversations with Telstra & Aust Post are far more jarring on my nerves) & I had him in fits of giggles with CWA cake stories. The GP had told me he was a bit of an ASD personality so not to take it personally if he was distant & clinical. So either cake is the universal ice-breaker or else ASD folk think I fit right in with their own brand of weirdness.
    Possibly both.
    He was impressed with my use of the word ‘Maven’ in relationship to cakes so I think that got his attention, he said he’d be googling it before the next patient walked in.
    Plus side, I may have another fan cheering for me in the cake cabinet at the Mudgeeraba show.

  78. When is the Mudgeeraba show? Now you have a splashback I should come down and cheer you on in person.

  79. Yeah, cheer her on in person…. nothing to do with taste testing, no, not at all!

    Yes it is Lyrica. I’m on the smallest dose. The Dr told me the biggest dose is 500mg, 3 times a day, and I’m on 25mg once a day. I haven’t had any Wheeee! moments, though. Bugger. Why do teenagers have all the fun?

    • To be fair, they were falling off the furniture in Sicial Studies. At least we don’t have to go to Social Studies.

  80. They call it Civics down here, and you’re right. Ugh.

    • Or Geography. Or (shudder) maths!

      suddenly I’m quite glad to be old.

  81. MK was trying to explain the difference between the geometric and the arithmetic equations for sequences. I didn’t understand, possibly because I kept scurrying away from her, saying “STOP MATHING AT ME! STOP IT! NOOOOOOO!”

  82. i didn’t know she hated you. What a horrible thing for her to do.

  83. She does like to torment me. I keep comforting myself with the knowledge that one day she will have teenagers of her own. Mwaha-ha-ha-haaaaa!

  84. And you’ll have darling grandchildren! I can’t wait, myself. Babies you can hand back are the best babies.

  85. Having a DIL to torture is an added bonus. Red cordial for all the grandbabies!

  86. Save some for me. I’ll need accelerants, at that age.

    • Where – hypothetically – might one obtain such a useful substance? Asking for an older friend.

      • Try the local skate ramp.

      • I bought diet lime coola cordial by mistake in Coals the other day & I’m tempted to tip it in the lawn mower & see what happens. Artificial sweeteners, ugh.
        Um, Mudgeeraba show is on the last weekend of the month, so if you want to come down any time on Saturday let me know & I will make up the Box Room…erm, the guest room. That sounds like fabulous fun, I could introduce you to the hippie burgers at Bonogin, too. Or the super-sushi, as the case may be.
        I have yet to install metal detectors by the front door & the dog hasn’t yet learned Advanced Beaglery fertilzer bomb detection as per the airport sniffer dogs, so what would that terrifying youngest child of yours get up to, is all. I’m assuming the eldest would refuse to accompany you to a CWA household in the hinterland on principle (that being that we don’t have mobile reception & I’ll be sending home sugary leftovers with you so why would he leave his mancave anyway)
        I’ll be madly assembling stuff up until 4pm on Friday & then I think I need to help the ladies set up the room, but I think the gates open on Saturday at 9am. You’d have to google it – I’m on the ipad, so I can’t post links.
        I just made it to the last bit of our monthly CWA meeting because Brisbane, Skin Doc (all clear, yay) & Dentist at The Gap – he had to make up a new mouthguard for me out of crushed beetle shells & organic resin. Worth the hike because it doesn’t reek of chemicals.
        I made it through Spaghetti Junction at Too Wong, so your prezzie is safely tucked away in a plastic bag on a tea tray outside the ‘rents’ house. Let’s hope I got that right & it hasn’t already been consumed by an insomniac possum or the dog. And if it survives the inevitable Turkey Ambush, I do hope you enjoy it.
        Now, WTF was I talking about? I’m sure there was a question I meant to answer.
        Never mind, it’s the M1. More sugar & more tea & I’ll remember, I’m sure.

  87. Nooo … I’ll be in Melbourne! OK, you’ll have to send constant still and video updates so we can admire you from afar.

    Thanks and I’ll alert the Rents to call off the turkeys. Mum was fussing about broken glass (broken glass?!) so I hope you emerged unscathed?

  88. Yes, we’re stealing Morgana that weekend, Quokka. Yay! Moar Morgana! (Moargana?) But that is a good reminder – I’ve got her present all wrapped but I’ve still not gone to the PO to send it. Better get that done first thing tomorrow, seeing as Aust Post are sure to leave it sitting in the Hobart processing centre for at least a week before reluctantly allowing it into QLD.

  89. I’d be keeping it there so I could enjoy the expression of pleasure on her face when she opens it. But that’s me & I take twisted satisfaction in watching people open presents.
    bugger about the timing, I’d clear forgotten your holiday dates. But yes, we must all promise blog photos. Catty you can just list the catalogue from the chocolate shops if that’s too much for you.

  90. Bugger, I forgot that half-written blog post. I must go and finish that when I have a decent chunk of spare time.

    Yeah, I thought about hanging on to Moargana’s present, but that would take up essential chocolate space in her carry-on luggage. And we can’t have that now, can we?

    • And Van Gogh merch and whatever we find at that antique and caek place of GB’s.

      I’m going to need a bigger suitcase. And probably an overdraft.

  91. Good point.
    Well, I have a play date with a GF today so I’ll have to hoof into the chores so it’s civilised before she gets here.
    I want some of those elves that clean up after the little ferals at Hogwarts.

    • Dobby’s a free agent these days. Make him seen offer.

  92. Didn’t he end up buried on a beach? I think the nasty one from Sirius Black’s house might be available, but I can probably generate enough ill humour without having a cantankerous elf adding to it.
    Bathroom cleaning – meh.

  93. Isn’t it about time those cats of yours earned their keep? Get scrubbing, kitteh!

  94. You’re right. Vale Dobby.

    I’ve seen Baby Mops., How about you get a microfibre coat for Cooper and then teach him to roll over?

  95. Go with microfibre dog undies. Then when he scoots along on his bum, your floor gets clean instead of dirty.

  96. That’s only if he has worms. Or anal gland issues. I’m sure he’s far to good a boy to have either.

  97. Hey, have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a person dragging his bum along the floor? I have, and now I can’t un-notice it.

  98. Tell me about it! Our work logo could be an Olympic-style torch. But once you’ve seen thong underwear after an exceptionally hot curry…

  99. Never wear a thong when you’re having Indian food! That’s the Second Rule of Curry! (The First Rule of Curry is to put at least two rolls of Sorbent in the freezer before you leave for the restaurant.)

  100. Ice-cream enema?

  101. Sorry but we’ve switched to “Who Gives A Crap?”. Charity-supporting loo paper that’s made from bamboo.

  102. One of the Boss’s co-workers used to go for number twos every day right after smoko, and stay in there for an hour. The boys thought it would be funny to go in during smoko and remove all the paper. Co-worker came out swearing some time later, and told the boys they owed him a pair of socks. Ewwwww!

    • Oddly enough I also have bamboo socks – coincidence?

  103. What a bunch of pricks, I hope they all develop Crohn’s disease as karma.
    Speaking of novelty toilet paper, have you seen the ‘dump with trump’ brand? Very funny, but I’m not paying $4 per roll to import that from China.

  104. We use Who Gives A Crap too, GB. I like my arse to have s social conscience.

    Speaking of bamboo I didn’t get to Aldi yesterday. Did you score some Reggies, Catty?

  105. Yes. Yes I did. But only just – I was there before 9 but there was already a crowd pawing through the packets. It’s a good thing I have sharp elbows and no social graces.

  106. Not to mention deadly gas.

    • Don’t mention the as-gay.

      Wait! No! That didn’t turn out as I expected.

  107. Funny, that’s what mother always says about me. I wouldn’t mind, if it weren’t for the bitter, crushing disappointment in her voice.

    • You don’t need her you’ve got us. No I was trying to encourage you. Don’t cry.

  108. Oh that’s perfectly normal. Don’t tell me you haven’t perfected that tone for your own kids? Poor kids will be wondering where they went wrong.

  109. Also Madam, the reaction to that pic of Hamish in the crisp white shirt, vest and bow tie was priceless. His father is a ZZ Top-bearded Death Metal lover and seeing his wee lad looking like a preppie just about popped his foofle valve. Well worth a few bucks at H&M. In-laws can be such fun.

  110. For those playing at home – how to tease a metal fan:

    • Project for my visit – find him a little tweed jacket and sew leather patches on the elbows.

    • “Gin and tonic, Jeeves!”. Too adorable!

  111. Bwahahahahaha. Needs a pipe & one of those tartan hats from the Sherlock Holmes era to really tip Dad into apoplexy, though.
    Catty, if it’s any consolation, my mother thought I wasn’t entirely human. She called Dad ‘it’ after they split up – no doubt referring to the hidden Aboriginal ancestry, as she wasn’t pleased at learning of it – and she promptly took me doctor shopping to have my head measured & to have everything tested to see if I’d be mentally defective.
    Some of us just have psycho mothers & you have to constantly remind yourself that you are strong and brave and resourceful to have survived the steady emotional abuse they heaped upon you.
    My biggest fear isn’t that she was right but that one day I will turn into her. Just keep fighting the good fight to ward off the werewolf DNA & you’ll be fine, Darl.

    • Yes just comfort yourself in the knowledge that even on a bad day you’re a much better mother than she was.

  112. Thanks, guys. My Autie is going through a rough patch, and it’s hard. Maybe if I’d dressed him in a vest and tie when he was a little Hamish, I’d have an investment banker by now…. wait, that would be worse, wouldn’t it?

    • Much worse! Maybe if the law changes, H could be a gentleman pot farmer? They do well in the US now I believe and all sorts of crime rates have inexplicably fallen.

  113. hehe presenting, at Q’s request:

    • Your death threats won’t keep me away! To acclimatize, I’m trying not to wear a jumper up here.

      • Oh that’s just Q. She misses the infernal fires you know. But we’re toasty here.

      • Huh. It’s all right for some. I’m currently in a blanket jumper over three layers, and fur-lined snow boots, but I’m still freezing. It doesn’t help that I have to keep venturing out into the Antarctic chill to drop off/ pick up various kidlets for various VCE exams. Why can’t they have free babysitting for teens between exams? Bloody school.

  114. It’s interesting you should mention fur-lined boots. I was eyeing off a pair, and will acquire prior to departure.

  115. Aldi had some nice ones a couple of weeks ago. Mine came from Aldi three years ago, and I have worn them to death. Yay for shoe glue!

  116. I saw some at the discount chemist. Yes. i am thinking about buying orthopaedic boots. they look comfy.

  117. If they’re the Homy Ped ones, my mother had them and said they were very good. Do you have a Rivers anywhere nearby? Because their shoes and boots are sooooo comfy, and the prices aren’t too bad.

    • We’ve got a rRvers clearance but most of their styles are inimical to paddle feer.

      Huzzah Catty your parcel arrived! I will be good and not open it until Tuesday but many thanks xo

      • Huzzah for BDs. It sucks that you don’t get a long weekend for yours anymore, though. Ripped off.
        They have one in NSW, it’s terribly confusing, this close to the border.

  118. I’m glad, and also startled, that the parcel showed up so quickly. Yay!

    Long weekends are lovely, aren’t they? I’m looking forward to an extra day of not having to take kidlets to school. They can be somewhat unpleasant in the mornings…. no, wait, it’s me that is somewhat unpleasant. Oh, what the hey, I’m blaming them anyway.

    • We get Nambour Show day soon. Which I will probably work so I don’t leave a backlog when i fly away. I’ll be in Melbourne soon. Huzzah!

  119. Huzzah! I have started the Grand Purge…. well, not actually a purge, more of a “get that bloody crap off the sofa so our guest will have somewhere to sit, you bunch of slobs!”

    • Pfft. That’s no fun. Why not try a good old-fashioned Stalinist purge? Send a couple of ’em to a nice cold Gulag for re-education.

      • If I’m going to have to learn – or re-learn things then I’m not coming down.

      • Nooo! Not you Madam, we like you just the way you are.

      • Sob. That’s what you say now. But it’s still very touching.

      • All you need to know is how to layer, and how to eat cake, MM. Layer cake, preferably. There’s lots to choose from.
        I’ve been to Melbourne so I should know.

  120. I wonder why layer cakes aren’t made of chicken?

    • They mostly contain eggs though. Want to call them laid cakes?

  121. That sounds dirty! So, yes. Yes I do.

    • There used to be a place… was it is Rowes Arcade?.. That sold nude cupcakes and orgy canes. Now they were some laid cakes.

      • Yes it was Rowes Arcade, in a corner, about half way through. Or so I’ve heard from Fifi – never having seen them myself. Nope.

  122. Fifi is a veritable treasure trove of useful information; I hope she is willing to give up some of her secrets during Moargana’s visit.

    • I asked but she just leered and gave an evil cackle. Which to be fair is her usual response.

      • heheeeheheee I love her too

  123. I love Fifi.

    • How was everyone’s weekend? I did precious little. It was awesome.

  124. I am a big fan of doing Precious Little.
    We had lunch at Potager on Friday which was fabulous – and misty and drizzly, which makes it even better. I must post pix. Saturday the tilers were here & we did some gardening, and yesterday we spent the morning enjoying the rain & then we drove down to Coolangatta. The Bloke took the hound to visit his parents (his father turns up at mealtimes to the nursing home because they give them a 3 course meal for $8) and I cruised around Cooly Rocks & looked at old cars and rockabillies. Such a great vibe down there, bugger about all the rain, but there were plenty of breaks between downpours & I was lucky enough to catch one.
    Hopefully they’ll get better weather next year – they copped a drenching last year, too.

  125. I tidied up my pantry. It doesn’t look any different, but at least now none of the items in the teetering piles are out of date.

  126. Teetering piles? Sounds like we have the same pantry stylist.

    Q, that’s a clever idea by the nursing home. Cheap meals for visitors, free company for the residents. I feel a bit sad for the damp rockabillies, but they don’t rust.

  127. We didn’t do much. I’m trying to rest my elbow and let this RSI settle down and we were both pooped from Friday kid wrangling. Watched Netflix and some old movies, made strombolis again and drank wine. Did our walking mostly in shopping centres but didn’t get 10000 either day.

    MM and Catty may have seen about Al on Facebook but Q won’t. He’s back in Redcliff hospital for another cancer op and I have a bad feeling about this one. Al has been on Twitter too, making his “confessions” and it all seems pretty grim.

    • Horrible news. Poor love, I hope it all works out well for him.

    • yeah I’ve seen a bit of it. When he told me he was moving back in with his ex I had a feeling things were grim.

      • They’re staying with another ex near the hospital. Crystal. She and Ros are getting on well.

      • I thought Crystal was the ex-neighbour of 15 years or some such.

      • You’re right. Al clarified that point later. Must have noticed the, um, implied relationship in his earlier post.

  128. Oh no I didn’t … that’s bad news,

    Are you sure making stromboli dough is really resting your elbow, GB? I’m not saying I don;t want you to make them for me, though….

    Speaking of movies when is Iron Sky II coming out?

  129. “Greybeard didn’t want to be a stromboli maker, but he kneaded the dough….”

    I’ll see myself out, shall I?

    • Oh would you..? Ta everso.

  130. Thank you for the lovely pressies, beautiful people. I shall make sone cupcakes and then try not too get Catty’s book all sticky.

    Don’t lick the stripoer pole!

    Q technical advice…how many drops of flavouring in enough icing for a batch of cupcakes?

  131. Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*

    This may go on for a while.

    Have a magnificent day, darling girl.

    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*

  132. My pleasure MM, I hope you have fun with that. I was stuck for ideas but I know you love caramel & I’m sure the internet is full of fabulous recipes for it.
    I’d go with trial & error. I haven’t used the salted caramel flavour but for the other one I think I used about 1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon for a batch of icing that covered a 22cm round cake. I used about a teaspoon of melted butter & I just added milk until it reached the right consistency – I think it boosted the 1960s milkshake smell.

    • I will try the milk … usually I just use butter and hot water, but I think you’re right. Extra creaminess.

  133. …..
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*

    • I’ve got a touch of Ross River. Can I clap instead of kick?

  134. Happy Birthday Madam! we’ve shooed the chickens out of the guest room, patched the hole in the wall that faced Antarctica and de-iced the stairs!

    • Luxury! You could have left the chickens in though. I quite like chooks.

  135. I had a flat on the banks of the Ross River for a while. It was no surprise when they told me I had Ross River Virus. It was a surprise when they later told me it was a mistake, and I really had Barmah Forest Virus. I’ve never been near Barmah Forest!

    Feel better soon, Madam. We want your birthday to be sik, not sick. Would a conga line cheer you up? Because here it comes!

    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*

    Oh, bugger, the Wildebeest has kicked over your hat rack. Sorry, Madam. You can’t take him anywhere.

  136. So much festivity for one aging woman. I feel insufficiently vibrant. When I work my way through all the noms I’ve been sent, though, I’ll have a nice sugar rush.

    Or a Metformin prescription. Either/or.

  137. LOL.

  138. CAEk enthusiasts … have you ever seen edible wafer daisies? Jess at work made me the most adorable orange poppy seed CAEK decorated with wafer daisies! too cute

  139. Doh!
    I have some in the pantry, along with the wafer butterflies. I was tempted to add them to your cupcake kit but I was concerned they’d look a bit twee. I should have known better. Never mind, they are easy to source, MM.
    I think I get mine from coals & they are amongst the patty cases and things in the cake section.

    • Yes Jess said Coals. On s pale yelliw cake they looked delightful.

  140. I have the butterflies too! No daisies, though. They look adorable, and now I am annoyed that I don’t have any. Harumph! It’s almost enough to stop a girl from conga lining. Almost, but not quite.

    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*
    Happy, happy birthday! *kick*

    • No need for butterflies Catty. You’re not doing exams. Unless you mean tats?

      • I’m getting worried about Catty. She’s been dancing all day. Should we pray to St Vitus?

      • As long as it’s not the Tarantella.

      • Or the light fandango.

      • If I stop dancing, is that a sign of a Vitusmin deficiency?

        O.k, o.k, I’m going!

      • That’s beyond the whiter shade of pale, Catty.

  141. Could be the batusi, except being it’s Catty that would make it the Catusi.

    • Wait a minute. Is Catty wearing a cat onesie and doing an Eartha Kitt accent? Because that would be weird.

      • and strangely arousing

  142. Meow.

  143. And now I know who to blame for the furball that’s been yakked up on the floor below the crockpot.

    • Does it have any 3 foot hairs in it? Cos that might be my fault.

  144. Can’t we just all pretend it was the Wildebeest again?

    • As long as it’s got sequins in it, that’s a fair assumption.

  145. Well it does glisten. Terrifying to think what his stomach acid can do to synthetic adornments.

  146. You shouldn’t have mentioned crock pots. Your comment inspired me to get mine out for tonight’s dinner, and now the Boss is elbow-deep in his home brewing. *sigh*

    • Sorry. But I’m sure your house smells inviting.

      Did I tell you one of my workmates makes slow cooker fudge? It is divine.

  147. But does she have salted caramel liquid luck in her kitchen pantry?

    • I’m planning a batch this weekend, but if any last long enough to make it into work I’ll never reveal my secret.

  148. You have a hiding place that Elf boy has never discovered?
    Restekpah, Madam.

    • Below eye-line in the pantry. It might as well be Narnia. They’ll look – and rummage -up, but never down.

  149. That makes sense. Only the dregs settle, and nobody wants dregs. Unless they’re chocolate coated. And even then, only if there’s nothing better higher up.

  150. With weavels, way below.

  151. For some reason I haven’t had pantry moths since i moved to the Coast. Maybe they don’t like salt air?

  152. Mmmm… salt air…

    I have moths, but they are all in my WIR. Apparently they’ve decided I’m their moth-er.

    O.k, o.k, I’m leaving.

  153. Take the veal with you when you go. There are things buzzing around the carcas and I don’t want them getting into the pantry for an orgy with the kitchen nits.

  154. We need a better system for the left-overs. Eat more at mealtimes to avoid generating any?

  155. What, and spoil our dessert? NEVER!!!

  156. Mmm … dessert. Woolies had Nanna’s apple pies on special. OK, nowhere near as delicious my deceased Aunt’s cake-pastry apple pie, but at $3 a pop – like!

  157. Mmmmm… apple pie and custard…

    I bought SFC popcorn chicken from Coals, and some mini pizza bases, because LK assures me that popcorn chicken pizzas will be the best thing I’ve ever eaten. He’d better be right, or I will be extremely disappointed.

    • So… is he a visionary, or a misguided culinary Frankenstein?

  158. I was thinking more along the lines of Swedish Chef:

  159. Er bor der miski dor, Chicki Du Chef!

    • Bjork, bjork, bjork!

      • Hurdy durdy!

    • I leave you for one day, and I come back to popcorn chicken and the floor covered in durdy.

  160. Poppidy-corn!

    • Popcorn chicken would be trying very hard to beat pepperoni, capsicum and mushroom. For example, how do you stop it from rolling off?

      Also bjork, bjork durdy!

  161. I’ll let you know when we make it, Madam, but at a guess I’d say that we’ll have to build little corrals around the popcorn chicken with chips, to stop it escaping. Or slam a colander over it, like Swedish Chef did with the popcorn shrimp.

  162. Or just give it a trampoline and lean over it with your mouths wide open.

  163. Only 3 sleeps to go! I have new pants, to mark the occasion.

  164. I’m so excited, I don’t care whether you’re wearing pants or not! I’ll have to find out your plans so we can add me in to some of them – especially the CAEK related stuff.

  165. Q, Nbob says hello. He says he’s staying off Twitter for his mental health.

    Catty, we’re all doing Hopetoun on Sunday at 11 still? And I’ve told GB that you’re keen to come on an op-shop crawl with Fifi, no date for that that I know of as yet but will let you know. i suppose it would have to be Saturday or Tuesday because we’re doing Van Gogh on Monday. Eeeeek!

  166. I’m so excited for you, MM. I hope you’re doing Mornington, too. Boystown have just opened sales in their new prize home down there -it’s not open to the public but I’m sure that a drive by, with a stop in at the yacht club, (most delicious) is well worth the effort.
    Tell Nblob that I take periodic breaks from twitter, myself. As I said before I excused myself last week, it’s like the fricking Karpman Drama Triangle set on endless loop.

  167. Thanks, Q it is quite thrilling. i doubt we’ll make it out of town though – too much to do in the CBD and too little time. Maybe next trip.

  168. Isn’t that what you said last time? Mornington really is lovely, but only if it’s nice weather. And being that it’s Melbourne, nobody can possibly predict that.

  169. Indeed. Anyway, don’t forget I’ve got no shortage of gorgeous scenery where I live. I’m going more for the urban buzz. I just adore the alleys and arcades!

    On to more important matters … have you prepared your entries yet?

  170. It is gorgeous here at the moment. It’s like the weather is rolling out the welcome mat for Morgana. I sure hope it stays like this. It’s beautiful!

    Also, 11:00 at Hopetoun is a goer, and if it’s o.k I’d love to do the op shop rounds on the Tuesday. If you can manage it, I’d also love it if you can come for a feed here one evening. If not, I can always bring sugary noms to GB’s.

  171. Oh, I can eat. Does it matter what night? I’ll have to liaise with my concierge.

  172. Wednesday night would be a little tricky, what with the kidlets’ dancing, but do-able. Otherwise, my social calendar is open.

    • I’ll be in Coolum on Wednesday night, so that’s fine 😀

  173. I’ll do some cooking today & tomorrow, it’s all due in by 7pm on Thursday at the showgrounds. My crowd-phobia seems to be getting worse rather than better, so I tend to forget that normal folk don’t wish to run screaming from the urban experience. If I didn’t know I’d have peace & solitude in plenty & I’m unlikely to run into anyone asking unanswerable questions after my insane family, I’d never have accepted the show steward duties on Sunday. When do you leave, MM?

    • Friday, straight from work. One of my work friends offered to take me to the airport and I’ll fly away. To Ringworm, and not much beyond!

      • Also i don’t particularly fear crowds. I find humans more detestable vis a vis.

      • woohoo. The coast airport? And are you taking children?

  174. I hate ’em all, singular and plural. Humanity is a poor choice of name – there is little about it that I find humane.

  175. Yet to call them animals is unkind to our furry and feathered brethren .

  176. Humanity on the creek is very different to humanity out on the town. It’s the fumes that get me, there’s something about the combination of Scotch & White diamonds in crowd strength proportions that makes me want to gag. Sweat & sunscreen OTOH is absolutely fine.

  177. White Diamonds is known to drown out the stench of last night’s excessively-quaffed Cab Sav.

  178. All this talk of White Diamonds … I’ve forgotten, is Elizabeth Taylor still alive?

  179. I’d have to check in with the Neolution compound to be sure.
    I didn’t realise that Orphan Black was back on SBS. We had to watch the first episode on iView and the airplay on the apple TV hated all the adds and kept switching the mac to screen saver. Stoopid adds. So glad it’s back on, though. The torment of waiting to see what would happen…argh!

  180. But it’s the last season!

    All of my personalities are devoed.

    • Picturing all the clones wearing DVO hats right now.

  181. Devo.
    Sigh. Whatever the hell is wrong with your phone, it must be catching.

  182. It’s probably just me. i”m not getting any younger.

  183. I am. This year I turned 29. That’s substantially younger than last year.

  184. I’m old enough to be your mother now. Awwww!

  185. Keep working on that age reduction tactic, Catty, it’ll serve you in good stead when you sell the film rights to your novel – at which point, you’ll want to catch the trash magazines for slander.

    • Good idea! I’m feeling 27 coming on, myself.

  186. We have odours of leather, scotch, books, wine, stout, clean sheets, herbs, wood smoke and cheese. Will that be OK Madam? Looking forward to Friday night! I’m sure we can do an Op/second hand shop visit on Saturday if that’s your fancy. Have you seen Hunted at Kilsyth Catty? It’s big. Very big. Hopetoun on Sunday morning at 11? And Van Gogh is booked for Monday. Wow. Busy schedule MM.

    • Huzzah! I hope i make a harmonious contribution to the olfactory ambience. I’m going to smell like freedom, with a healthy splash of hedonism.

      Are you free to rummage on Saturday, Catty… or will we just abduct yoy?

  187. Saturday? Noooooooo! I can’t do Saturday op-shopping! *sob*

    I don’t know Hunted! How long has that been there?

    • It’s fairly new I think. Sandy told us about it and it’s not far from the Brotherhood place at Kilsyth. Quite big.

  188. This sounds like sooo much fun. Think of me whenever you are eating. I’ll be on duty in the show pavilion guarding the crocheted coat hangers & discouraging children from unstoppering the home brew.

    • Mother wishes you all ‘the best Q – and says we’ll have to come and observe you next year.

      Catty don’t fret. We’ll just have to shop twice.

      • That would be lovely, MM. And I might actually have unpacked that feral pile of boxes in the green room by this time next year.

  189. It’s a big sacrifice. You are very kind! Mwah!

    • Yes, no matter how much it makes me suffer. I’m that good a friend.

  190. Hey, we’re sacrificing too. We were having lunch at this Turkish place and got some evil Turkish delight, studded with pistachios. Just to share of course.

    • Mmm…. aacrilicious.

    • I do miss Ahmet’s at Bulimba…that chicken dish they did with the beetroot sauce & the potato salad…OMG, I do miss it so.
      Ha, I have to share.
      While I was dog-walking today I had to confess that I’d forgotten a neighbour’s name, but to my credit, I could remember that his daughter was ‘Shya’. (sp?) He was very impressed as he said everyone forgets her name & how did I remember?
      And it slipped out. ‘WTF is wrong with people, that’s too easy. Simple word association, Shire – Hobbits.’
      Said in Nazful tones.
      He had a good giggle at that one, the more so when I said ‘Seriously, you can’t tell me I’m the only one. Normal people are so polite.’

      • You missed a golden opportunity to come and live on one of our many Tolkien themed streets. There’s Rivendell Ave and Frodo Court etc. but sadly no Bag End.

        Does anyone else remember a restaurant in Bardon called Pippin Took?

  191. I once knew a lady whose daughter was named Inaca. I never forgot the girl’s name, because I assumed that was where she was conceived. I was too polite to say that to her mother, though … oooh, does that mean I’m normal? On consideration, probably not.

  192. I’m pretty sure that none of us are normal. It’s in the Charter.

  193. When I finally found my Dad’s family, I said to them ‘given Dad’s struggles with IBS, I should’ve known I’d find his family Innaloo.’

    • You’ve been taking joke lessons from Catty, haven’t you?

      • Noooooo!

  194. Bottoms up…or should I say wheels up. When does your guest arrive, Khan GB?

    • I don’t know exactly but I think touchdown is about 7:30. Planning a pick-up from Ringworm on the way home from Snottley Manor. We’ve had another all day session.

  195. About the same time as the big storm that’s currently rolling in. It seems fitting.

  196. Junior manflu & hail apocalypse.
    You sure do know how to deliver, Melbournites.

  197. Don’t blame me. This is quite obviously GB’s handiwork. By the way, GB, nice job on the WannaCry hack. Now none of us have to worry about speeding fines on the way to Hopetoun.

    • freezing cold and, raining and now I know GB’s Wi-Fi password. Best. Holiday. Ever !,

    • I’m innacent. Always.

  198. You’re here! Yay! Let the Quaffing commence!

    • It jolly well will. 11 at Hopetoun. Mayhem, where are you darls? Hope you’re still coming too?

      • Hey! I didn’t realise you were awake. Cup of tea?

  199. Sorry Catty. We’ve lost Morgana in this huge second hand shop. And Fifi. I’m off home – sure they’ll be fine.

  200. I’ll loan you our possum trap. Bait it with CAEK and she’ll be found in minutes. Oh, wait, that’s me…

    Did you buy anything interesting?

  201. Yes, but they’re not second hand. Yet. Since it’s Morgana’s first full day in Caekland, we thought we’d pace ourselves and start with something light.
    Fifi scoffed the scorpion straight away but we’re saving the rest for dinner.

    • But we got a few other things as well. No books. Nope.

      • Don’t listen to a word he says!

  202. That’s my kind of dinner.

    • We had stromboli and salad for mains. Let the record show we’re totally mature. And that the Turkish Delight was really delicious.

  203. Silly girl, you’re not supposed to lick your dinner guests. Poor Erdogan!

    • If you csnt luck your guests how are you supposedto clean

  204. Sigh.

    Supposed to clean your palate?

  205. Heeeheeeheee. Norty phone. Surely you can hand it over to Khan GB for some discipline, while you’re actually there under his roof?

    • his own phone sullks and turns itself off when you ignore it so I’d be concerned he might teach it worse habits.

      • There may be some truth to this.

  206. We wore GB out. He had to go home for a Bex and a good lie down.

  207. I know Quokka will be worried about us all down here so here are some reassuring pics. Outside Hopetoun Tea Rooms, looking despondent.

  208. And earlier, with Charles Dickens (with one K) restaurant and a gelati joint behind them, feeling miserable.

  209. And outside some place called Haighs, which allegedly sold chocolates. Though none of us went in to check.

  210. Mmm…sweeties. You all look fabulously happy despite being dressed for the arctic. I hope there weren’t any polar bears roaming those arcades.

    • Catty gave me a fabulous pair of witch socks, red and white striped and lined with cotton tufts. So now I’m toasty warm. On the subject of clothing, ask GB about his lobster boy gloves.

  211. My mother always said, “cold feet, warm heart”. So obviously Moargana would have cold feet.

    • Aww, love you too! Xo

    • Melbourne must have the most loving benevolent population in the land.

  212. Bad news, I’m afraid. I was making Chef’s Salty Chocolate Balls, and the Boss has stolen my brandy. I had to make them with rum essence. *sigh*

  213. Oh, and yes, I did burn them.

  214. Scalded balls. I might try that here, sometime.

  215. The Boss might have been a bit worried. He disappeared mid-afternoon, and I haven’t seen him since. I’m not sure where he is or what he’s doing. Hope he’s o.k, because I am way too busy tomorrow to pick him up from the Lockup, and I certainly won’t have time for body identification.

  216. That’s why they keep the temperatures icy in both venues, Catty. It helps to keep the stink down.

    • When he realised I was coming for dinner he prophylactically disappeared, a day early. Hang on, does that mean I’m a crock pot?

  217. ‘S o.k. He showed up eventually. Yay! Morgana isn’t a crock pot!

    • *Disclaimer: However, I might be potty, and
      also crocking up.

  218. It’s better to crock up than to bog up, surely.

  219. We had pot roast, and Morgana wore crocs, if that helps.

    • Catty made Chocolate Salty Balls! I took them back to the Beards where there was a convenient fire by which to put them in our mouths and suck em (suck on my balls).

  220. They’re full of vitamins and good for you! (Just suck on my balls).

  221. Don’t forget to lick the spoon….

  222. I’ll have to watch that episode again, I remember absolutely nothing about it that’s helpful for puns and references, here.

    • Just suck on my balls!

      Lucky i took plenty of time to admire Pampered Pig close up Catty. I was cross- examined on her features.

  223. She took a real shine to you, too. The whole family did. See? I told you I had good taste in friends.

    • They’re adorable. But of course they are. They’re related to you!

  224. Awwww! I loves you! Mwah!

  225. The seminar wasn’t much, just a basic outline of what the service can do for us, like a dietician and a physio. It seemed a little too heavy on the ‘train your brain to put up with pain’ for my liking, and there was a bit of emphasis on anti depressants, but it might end up being a good program. I’ve got an appointment booked in a month to see the pain coach, to work out a one-on-one management plan. Then I’ll be seeing the pain specialist in September, where I’ll hopefully get a better medication schedule worked out. In between all of that I’ll be seeing the rheumatologist and the colo-rectal clinic. And if the Boss doesn’t get stuffed around by my Gyn-Ob, I might just go and see him too.

    Were your piggies happy to see you? I gave the fur potato a bubble bath today, and the whole time she kept trying to look behind me. Searching for you, was my guess.

  226. Well, that’s a start, Catty.
    Deb was saying yesterday that turmeric seems to be the best thing thus far for her aches & pains, that and she’s finally sussed out the food allergy stuff. That took years.
    Did they talk about gentle exercise? There’s a whole bunch of achey arthritic ladies that do the swim-aerobics thing at my local lap pool & they all swear by how much it helps them.

    • I’m sure i replied to this yesterday -Gigantor was the happiest animal to see me.

      Huzzah the rain! Its like holiday leave loading on the weather.

  227. I bet he was pleased to see you.
    The rain woke me a few times last night (always happy to wake up to rain) but it’s blowing out to see now, so rats and darn to that.
    I didn’t get to see Miracle Girl but I’ll get up there another time.
    It was wonderful to see the Caloundra folk as I feel restored in mind & spirit. Such a contrast to TB’s niece. I have come home resolved to just leave her be to follow her path & stay well out of it. If she changes course at uni it’ll mean she’s here for an extra year & regardless of what his family are like, the Bloke becomes utterly painful when his family are around & he’s trying to defend their egocentric behaviour. The best thing for that is to make sure he spends lots of time with normal people so that the contrast between them & his family is obvious, without me needing to point it out. Besides, you never know. If she joins the ADA it may well do for her what military school did for Francis from Malcolm in the Middle. She probably can’t help it, she’s just mimicking her father & she’s never known any different.

  228. ADF, I mean. Old acronyms die hard. Do they have an academy any more, or did that get put out to pasture when my father graduated from it in WW2?

  229. I don’t know. I had a friend who had to spend a month in Pukka when she joined the reserves, but that was back in the 90’s.

    You’re probably right about niece. Like I was telling Morgana the other day, I occasionally catch myself doing something narcissistic and/or passive aggressive and realise it’s a learned behaviour. But at least I’m aware of it now. For years I didn’t even notice.

    • Yeah. I’m not at all siding wth the Neice, but most people don’t stop for one second to analyse their own actions and effect on others. Tbats why they go about feeling like the world is unfair and everyone is mean.

      ADF HQ is still Duntroon. I hope our old house with a fire in every room is still standing.

      • Someone has probably renovated it and adores it – have you googled it to check?

    • None of us would get by without a healthy sense of self-interest, and we all need support & love. Niece is different. She’s exhausting because she seems to view the world through the prism of what people can do for her or what they have done for her lately and for variation, there’s heavy hints about what she’d like you do to for her/buy for her – and that’s pretty much the sum total of her conversation. Her grandfather is exactly the same.
      It was refreshing to be around Deb’s daughter, who is the same age – and who doesn’t fill her conversation with me me me me me me me. She talks about friends, family & loved ones more than she talked about herself, and then there’s books, theatre, the state of the world, and she asked questions about our life as if she genuinely cares.
      I’m really glad I went up there – I think I’m just going to have to limit the amount of time I spend with the Bloke’s family, it really is like sitting in a leach pond, and it’s tiring and depressing.

      • Speaking of leeches, i watched part of Dracula 2000 so none of you have to. Not even Christopher Plummer could save that shocker.

  230. Thanks for the heads-up. Knowing it’s crap before it starts will let me change channels quick smart, and avoid all the whiney “but I want to know how it ends!” crap from the kidlets.

  231. Really? thanks for the heads up. I can never resist a vampire flick but it sounds prudent to do so, this time.
    Deb & Rose were telling me about a show they’ve seen called ‘American Gods’. They said it’s brilliant – has anyone seen it?

  232. I haven’t seen it, but I haven’t seen any of the shows that people talk about. If I ever manage to get a job, I will be useless around the water cooler.

  233. There’s always sniping about customers and/or absent workmates, Catty. You’ll be fine.

  234. White anting – it’s gotten Wendy a stack of promotions, it should be the first thing you list on your CV.
    Speaking of wrecking the joint, it looks like I’ve got a day pass to Melbourne. The Bloke has to attend a cocktail party & I’ve told him I’m joining him on the plane & in the hotel but not at the black tie BS. In any case they know what I’m like so I’m not invited. So I’m thinking of eating cake for breakfast, either in Hopetoun or at St Kilda, depending where we stay.
    I’ll post details at my blog when we’ve booked the flights but it’ll be around 2 weeks from now.

  235. *eating cake WITH FRIENDS* sorry I am not awake yet.

    • Would you like a copy of my Cake-Eating CV?

  236. Also. You might need a thicker cardy.

    Took the screenshot just before going out to hang the clothes. In my t-shirt.

    • Feels like -2.8? Totally jealous. The stupid Sun is bright yellow and blazing up here.

      You’ll have a ball, Q. A chocolate salty one with any luck.

      • I really want an extra day so we can go back to Mornington for lunch at the yacht club. glorious, down there.
        Not something I would’ve planned, but seeing as work will pay for his hotel room & we can get the flights on his points, what the hell.

  237. MK went to a party last night. When I left to pick her up at 11pm, it was 4º. By the time we got back, it was 3º. I think I might have frostbite.

    • Oh no! How are your extremeties? You should have a series “Catty’s Extreme Extremities”.

  238. I am very, very cold. My little tootsies were so numb this morning that I had to crawl back into bed. But that was o.k, as I took advantage of the situation and had a nap.

  239. We went to the Farmers market at Heathmont. 3 cheeses, pesto, 2 breads and odd veggies. Also 8 degrees. I told Fifi I’d bought 2 of the Polish cinnamon scrolls she wanted and she gave me the fishy eye. As I pointed out, I didn’t say she’d asked for them, just that she wanted them. And I was right as usual.

  240. Khan Greybeard has been posting pix of the temps v. apparent temps at Ringworm, including frostbite on his hills hoist.
    It got down to 11C here this morning, it was almost barbaric.

    • Polish cinnamon scrolls? Want!
      Nap? Want!
      Syntax also want.

  241. I had two naps today, and some strange chocolate cake my MIL gave me. It was so strange I called her and asked what she’d put in it. She informed me the cake was a packet mix that was two years out of date. Oh, dear.

  242. Heeheeheeheee. Nice one, MIL.
    GB & I must have cross-posted, or else I too would have dreamed about Polish cinnamon scrolls.

  243. Speaking of cross-posted dreams, I was dreaming about my coats (and jackets, and cardies) and when I awoke there was a parcel on my doorstep. Mother had posted me a cardigan. How’s that for a coincidence? Of course, it’s too cold to wear it yet, but surely Spring can’t be far away?

    I’m curious about those polish scrolls. Are you sure it’s polish and not just glaze?

    • 100% Kiwi (Nugget just doesn’t give the same shine)

  244. I’m a bit worried about your Mother sending gifts (Beware The Greeks, etc.)

    Are the buttons actually mikes? Could it be poisoned, KGB style?

    Maybe give it to the neighbour with the errant cats to wear, for a week or so.

    • Remember Hercules! The Cardy of Nessus!

  245. Snort LOL.
    Greybeard wins the internet for the day.

  246. Maybe I should give it to the Boss? Since he caught this cold he’s been a little hoarse.

  247. He doesn’t need a cardy, then – he needs a strapper. And maybe a nice bale of hay.

  248. I asked him, but he said “neigh”.

  249. He’s a sweetie. Give him a nice curry combing from me. Or, given the weather, just a nice curry.

  250. Noooooooo! Not the crock pot!

  251. Wave some coriander over his hay. That seems to be the latest source of twitter hysteria.
    That said, I’m glad we’ve moved on from Trump Tweets to finding fault with kitchen herbs.
    The world seems like a balanced place again.

  252. And all of a sudden Tumeric isn’t a miracle cure? Well, it’s still good for curries and dying things yellow.

    • Especially fingers.

  253. I’m still waiting for the scientific proof that CAEK is a miracle food. You’d think that would be the first thing they’d study, but no, it’s all about the kale. Why do we even have scientists?

  254. The clever ones are all pastry chefs,

  255. Bugger. Now I’m craving Danishes. Mmmmm….

  256. Or something Swedish …. bork bork bork!

  257. Just made pancakes. Today’s specials were a snail and a butterfly. Had PB over night and picked up Moosh about 10. He’s perfected the “do the thing you know you shouldn’t then ask whyyy? with wide eyed innocence.” Not working any better than when our kids did it. Not our first rodeo kid!

  258. I immediately thought ‘IKEA’.
    Must be residual trauma from having to drive past it twice to get to the show the other night.

  259. He is cute. But then so is PB. I was surprised how strawberry Mush is in real life – he’s as Nordic as my two in photos.

    • Shhh! We’re still hoping he has a soul.

  260. Why? Are you hungry?

  261. He might need a replacement for one of his shoes.

  262. Mmm … innocent souls.

  263. Speaking of such, I’m off to have a riding lesson at the local stables today.
    Horses have the sweetest souls. Can’t wait. Just be prepared for the ‘I’m dying!’ complaints about the bow-legged aches that will arise from that tomorrow.
    Horsies – wooh!
    I want to sound her out about volunteering at the school a few hours each week so I can get familiar with all things horsie again. Seems prudent if we have our eyes on buying acreage & having a horse or two, down the track. I keep meeting fit lively women much older than me who are happily living their I’ve Got A Pony dream & it seems to be a particularly sweet one. Restekpah to them for powering on.

  264. “No scones for me, Mummy. I’m off to the gymkhana!”

  265. Oh, just the way they smell is nice – have a ball!

    And also get to work on a best-selling trilogy. Horses are more expensive than boats.

  266. yes, someone told me you need to budget 12G/pa to keep a horse. And that’s discounting really nasty vet bills. Still, they are so very lovely.
    Catty, statements like that make me wonder what kind of ghastly people you’ve met in your life to think that. The horsey kids at school were the most down to earth people that I knew, they’d all had parents who grew up in the country & missed their own extensive collection of animals & there wasn’t a Sloane among them.
    That must be an English thing because from the look of the stables up the road not much has changed. The little horsie girls up there were all engaged in a poo flinging fight the last time I was up there & having rollicking good fun with it, by the sounds of their giggles.

  267. * Actually having recalled the people I met on our last trip to Melbourne I can see exactly how you’d think horsey people are like that. The Melbourne ones probably are.
    Truly Catty I think you’d be so much happier out in the country somewhere. It’s one of the things I like best about being where we are, we are so close to the bush & the water. Scratch the surface of the locals & you’ll find people who’ve come from salt of the earth country folk & they are all just lubberly. So much nicer, being around that than all those snotty city folk.

  268. Sorry, Q, no offense intended. It was just something my brother used to say in a Toff voice every time my mother made scones, and his snooty accent always made me giggle. He’d say things like, “No time for tea, Mummy. I have a grahnd piahno recital”. He used to be such a funny bugger before he turned into a crusty old bastard.

    • I think they’re both Python quotes, or Python Mondegreens at least and I’ve said such things many a time. Can’t imagine horse-lovers are any different to any other subset of humanity, i.e. jerks and nice guys in due proportion. We used to ride out around Fernvale and they were lovely poo-flingers but the Pullenvale-Brookfield set were a right bunch of snotty Sloanes. Most of the daddies were something dodgy in investment and had never been further west than Toowoomba.

      • Yep. All my mother’s school friends lived out there. She settled in a far less nobby suburb & we kept our horses on the chicken farm over the road. There was nothing nobby about that. 🙂

  269. Catty no offence taken, I was just stunned to think that there are ghastly horse people out there somewhere. There was only one in our crew and once we hit high school, I wound up feeling very sorry for her as Daddy was a right bloody arsehole. She looked miserable the entire time she wasn’t on a horse & while she was bright, I gather nothing she ever did was right/good enough/going to make them happy. Horrible way to grow up, even though she did have the most amazing good-natured palomino pony.
    Therapy horse, I would think, given what life with her father must’ve been like.

  270. Speaking of apologies, I just realised I haven’t posted the dead mac yet. Please tell the Boss I’ll get onto it soon. He likes jelly babies, right?

  271. Why, have they melted into the keyboard?

  272. For crimes against a mac?

  273. TGP’s the one that took it out of the case and dropped it, but I think you and I both know apologies will be thin on the ground from him. No, for the postage delay. Being a man, I assume he’s champing at the bit to open it up and have a look under the bonnet.

  274. I’ve forgotten this story, unless it was a FB one.
    Refresh page/my memory – so he dropped a laptop?

  275. There’s no rush at all, Madam, and no need for apology. But yes, he does like jelly babies. It worries me, sometimes, when he says things like “I’ve got his head stuck in my teeth again”. If the CIA are still monitoring us, comments like that could be a problem.

  276. Tape up those webcams, and unplug the mikes, Catty!

    Q, you will recall the “essential” $2K school macbooks? The ones I insisted be kept in protective cases? Well, he removed the case and then dropped the thing and now allegedly the motherboard is borked. I have now equipped him with a $400 Dell and at least when he breaks this one it will be less than a week’s work to replace the thing.

    The Boss thinks he might be able to do something with the dead mac, so I said he was most welcome. And then haven’t posted the damn thing down, owing to, you know, stuff.

  277. Oh good grief.
    I hope he’s learned his lesson about taking care of his stuff.

  278. I’m sure it was an accident, but it’s a terrible age. So full of Nature’s vilest hormone (testosterone) and don’t know what to do with it… I must keep trying to remember Gigantor’s mostly come out the other side and is now fairly good value.

  279. Yeah, still waiting for The Teenie to come through the other side. I’m quite looking forward to it.

  280. It won’t happen overnight … but it will happen. i hope. For his sake!

  281. I was flicking the TV the other day & I caught a few minutes of the Malcolm in the Middle episode where Lois starts hallucinating that her boys are girls. They start off really sweet & at the end it all turns to smurf poop.
    I’m having enough trouble training the dawg to be civilised about interspecies relations (CAT!) So I’m glad I don’t have to deal with human complexity, too.

  282. Heh, that reminds me of that panicked cat meme that says “Oh No! I’m late for running frantically up and down the hallway at 2:30am for no reason!”

  283. Girls are so much harder than boys. Although certain boys do have their moments. And I’m not getting any younger.

    However, I must point out that the boys have never got me in any trouble with Council, so that’s something.

  284. That may be because you haven’t had them microchipped yet, but still…

  285. Hehehe. I haven’t had their genes mapped either. For obvious reasons.

  286. The road to hell is paved with private boys’ school genomes.

  287. I was more worried about a future Changeling crack-down and deportation to Manus, but yes, that too.

  288. Conspiracy time! I heard that the Ancestry dot com people set up their DNA testing specifically so that the government would know who to deport/ incarcerate/ shoot when the NWO mob take over. Also, our social media posts are being monitored so they can weed out dissidents too. Only the sheeple will survive.

    You may think I’m mad for reading all this terrifying conspiracy stuff, but no matter how dire the predictions are, they’re still less frightening than anything Barbara Cartland has written.

  289. I have an abiding interest in cryptozoology, so far be it from me to cast the first Yowie bone.

  290. I’m not worried. I took a look at the data base of genes that the ancestry crew test you on and there’s nothing from Aboriginal Australia, Afghanistan or the southern part of Asia.
    whatever it is they’re looking for to lock up, they’re looking in the wrong place to spot my Changeling DNA. Elf Boy is safe, MM, unless there’s something Transylvanian lurking in there. And if so, he’ll have GB to keep him company when they load him in the van.
    Isn’t that a cosy thought?

  291. I’m not sure which of them that would horrify the most.

    • And this, I would imagine, is why they don’t offer these genetic databases to the largely over 60’s fanclub of ancestrydotcom.
      My relatives would have a fit and demand their money back of their genetic testing showed them to be anything less than Omo White.

  292. A medieval meme I saw recently had a picture of archers, with the word Stabberflingers written underneath. If you ever need a new name for TGP, I vote for Stabberflinger.

  293. That’s a terrific name. I might mock up a family crest, with St Sebastian.

  294. I approve. It sounds like something Jo Rowling would use to christen a banker-goblin.

  295. It would also be a good name for those Japanese chefs who prepare your meal at your table.

    • Rofl

  296. Heeheehee. Blowfish-sushi-kaiser.

  297. Teppanyaki? I don’t think those places are good for people with PTSD.

  298. yes I think bakeries and gelato bars are better. Far more therapeutic, and less weapons at hand on those days when humanity could use a thinning out.

  299. Huh. A wise girl always takes a weapon to gelato bars, in case of marauding dessert thieves.

    • “He who sups with Catty must use a long spoon.”

  300. And should also have their tetanus shots updated.

  301. I can’t remember the last time I had a tetanus shot. Mind you, I can’t really remember the drive to work either, so what else is new?

  302. I have to stop reading articles on the “signs of dementia”. Honestly, just about no one I know doesn’t have four or five and as for me..! Just heard via FB that an old colleague has pancreatic cancer and early stages of Alzheimers. Such a lovely, kind and hard-working person. Bugger.

  303. Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, GB. Cancer is a horrible thing, and so is Alzheimers. How distressing to have both.

  304. Oh that is doublly nasty. So sorry to hear that GB.

  305. I’ve often wondered why scientists do research into stuff like GMO, and the effects of music on plants. Why aren’t they all trying to find cures for insidious diseases instead?

  306. FKITY, that’s horrid news Khan GB. Although the Bloke’s mother managed to survive pancreatic cancer, dog only knows how, so here’s hoping they found it early.

  307. Thanks folks. Marg and I ran odd courses for non-academic kids and took field trips together. As in “let’s get 30 hormonal, mixed sex, year 11s and go camping on Fraser Is for a week in July, with no facilities, food or water. Except one night with cold showers and loos.” It was . . . bonding. And she was a generous and loving Mum to them all. Sounds as though the PC is fairly advanced though. Bastard thing sneaks up on you, as with my bro-in-law.

  308. On the bright side, we had 2/3 kids, 1 niece, 2 great nieces, 1 great nephew and 1 son-in-law for lunch-dinner and the 2 g’kids all day. It was great. Feasting, laughing and much fun for all. Also Fifi and I totally knackered. Moosh took advantage of the crowd to disappear into the loo and try filling it with paper. Classic toddler curiousity(evil).

  309. He’s going to be one to watch. Which football will he play? I’ve found that a very effective channel for excess energy and destructive urges. I think Gigantor gets a lot out of it, too.

  310. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. *yawns*

    Speaking of football, I am not happy with the Blues right now. If it wasn’t for their perve-worthy legs, I would shun them all. Shun, I tell you!

  311. Queenslander!

  312. The blues all went past me as I was heading up into the Qantas Club with thoughts of electronic sabotage high on my to-do list. They’re lucky I didn’t blow up the travelator, too.

  313. They’re probably more grateful the beer taps were still working.

    Oooh, you’re in Melbourne! How is glorious Melbourne? Blow it a kiss from me.

  314. Huh. If that had been me, the fangirl selfies would have had significantly muted squeeeing. *scowls*

  315. There’s always next year, Catty. Hypothetically.

  316. I was shocked to see a face that seemed familiar outside the newsagent, where the Bloke was waiting for me. So I did the ‘Do I know that guy?’ Thing & he rolled his eyes & said ‘That’s Laurie Daly.’
    I’ve got a track record of doing this with television actors, too.
    The Bloke still snorts about me getting testy with the guy who pushed in front of me at the Greasy Joes at Coolangatta 30 years ago after we’d been to a show at Twin Towns. He rolled his eyes & said ‘What planet do you live on? That’s Bert Newton FFS.’

    • We ask people their names and write them on the napkins to keep the orders straight. This eerily familiar looking dude rocks up one day, so I ask him his name and write it down. As he was walking off, I realised he was the landscaper from a very popular network house & garden show.

  317. Yeah, I had a similar thing once in a share house, when Ian Moss popped in. I had no idea who he was, I just kept bringing platters of Moreton Bay bugs out to the verandah for all the visitors who were fawning around this guy who sounded familiar, like the guitarist in that Jimmy Barnes band.

    I also had a brush with fame when the Baby Animals showed up at a little pub I used to hang out at, but at least I knew who they were. They weren’t there to sing, they were there to drink (although they did eventually do an impromptu acapella performance that was amazing!). I spent a couple of hours hanging out with Dave, the lead guitarist. He was a grouse bloke – not like Bert Newton at all. I have it on good authority that Newton is a dick.

    So, Quokka, did you get Daley’s autograph, or was it too cold to rip your bra off?

    • Naughty Catty! I upset Nowhere Bob again the other day by name-dropping Ed Kuepper. We went to his last show in Melbourne and had a good chat and drinks before hand but he’s not another relative! Don’t even know him that well but his wife Jude and Fifi have been friends for over 20 years and we’ve got a couple of her smaller paintings. It’s such fun to upset NBob though.

      • Just for the record – and in no context whatsoever -I’m watching Black Mirror: if it was possible at the time of our dying, who would choose to be uploaded to the Cloud? There’s insufficient sweet release about it, for mine.

  318. I’m in. Too many things I don’t know and want to know and see. Maybe I could be uploaded into a probe and sent to another star?

    • Yes, I can just see you refusing to open the pod bay door, GB.

      • Except I’d snicker when saying “Sorry but I can’t do that Dave”

  319. No thanks. I have other plans.

    • You’ve got a reservation, Catty.

      • So have I I’m afraid. Hence the upload.

      • But you’re such a kindly gnome!

  320. There’s no place like Gnome.

    • There’s a Gnome in Alaska, isn’t there? I might threaten to take TGP there, if he doesmt snap out of this bout of teen emo.

  321. Alaska? I thought Gnome was on the Range?

  322. No, Gnome is where the heart is.

  323. Wherever I lay my Gnat.

  324. Fifi: Gnomeo, Gnomeo – wherefore art thou Gnomeo?

  325. Deny thy Father and renounce thy pointy red hat

  326. A Beard by any other name would smell as sweet!

  327. That makes me wonder, actually … why aren’t hipsters marketing bespoke, atomizer obviously, beard deodorizers?

    Catty, could this be the home-based business we’ve been searching for?

    • I bought Jesse a beard-care pack. Oil, wax, brush and comb but no deodorizer. You might be onto something.

  328. Good gracious, please stop! Please! Last night I saw an ad on TV for V.I.Poo. It’s a deodoriser that you spray into the toilet bowl before ‘dropping your doughnuts’ (I think that’s what they said, but I may have been in shock so don’t quote me). I thought at first it was a comedy show skit, but no. It was an actual commercial for an actual product. I don’t want to live on this planet any more.

  329. Hang in there … I finally dispatched the broken Macbook, wedged into the mailer with some jelly bubs for the boss and some macadamia fudge for you.


  330. I love you.

  331. Yum! I’m having cake remorse for resisting all of those fabulous treats in Acland street, in favour of the rice flake porridge with turmeric and ginger.
    Sometimes I forget that at my core I’m just a hippie.

  332. I’m not a hippie. Gimmee CAEK!

  333. You went to Ackland St and had rice flake porridge? That’s just flaky.

  334. I know, my stomach was in a pitiful state after what that toastie did to me at the Qantas club. I spent three days feeling like I was coming down with a UTI but it was just sulphites & mould inhibitor.
    So nice to be home & not have an inflamed tummy any more.
    I do have cake pix somewhere so when I’ve caught up with myself I’ll post a cake pr@n blog. CWA meeting today, so that’ll answer my needs for cake, I’m sure.

  335. Oh, do give our love to the ladies. We just like to know they’re there.

  336. Yes…. and when we have won their trust, we will steal all their recipes.

    • Yessss!

  337. No, be fair … only the blue-ribbon prize ones.

  338. I have a book of those.
    They’re lovely. Today was just our coffee & cake catch up, where we sort out stray bits of business in between the monthly meeting, and have a good gossip. It’s like having sisters, but the kind that don’t sleep with your boyfriends and leave burn marks in your clothes.

  339. And make up lies to tell your mother?

  340. Another facet of normality that we never had to contend with.

  341. And take your book while you’re reading it and “lose” it, before you get to find out whodunnit?

  342. Lend it to their stoner friends so you never see it again. And when you do see the stoner friend they tell you that they handed your book on to their dealer, who loved it, and thanks for the freebie.

  343. My personal favourite was taking phone messages and not passing them on to my sister. But that was in the days when the phone was stuck to the kitchen wall. Stupid iPhones, they’ve ruined everything.

  344. Ooh, that would have been devastating! Did you ruin any burgeoning romances, Catty?

  345. Nah. Her bestie lived two houses away. If she didn’t get a call back by dinner time, she’d just stand on her back porch and yell until my sister (or my annoyed mother), yelled back. *sigh*

  346. Hehehe. That reminds me of this morning’s banter:
    Gigantor(dawdling, making everyone else late): ‘ What are five minutes, really?”
    Me: “To a wage slave, the difference between employment and unemployment.”
    Gigantor: “Oh, the Bourgeois!”
    Me: “Mate, we’re the fucking Proletariat.”

  347. I was called worse than that earlier today. MK has been off school sick all week, and announced an hour ago that I was to drive her to her boyfriend’s house. The answer was a resounding “NO!”. She slammed some doors and said some very rude things. Serves me right – I’m such a monster!

  348. I think it’s a brilliant idea. Rose did this to her boyfriend & he caught manflu & became completely unbearable. It was part of her motivation for getting out of Brisbane & house-sitting for us.

  349. Catty, I, too am that monster. Because if people have been so close to death with the latest virus, I always refuse to let them scoot up to a mate’s place/go for hot chips/hang in the park etc.

    It’s less than 10 deg C this morning! I bet you are also welcoming the sweet embrace of Actual Winter, Q?

  350. I just got up and found a browser open on the Queensland real estate page. The Boss was using the computer last night, so I guess he’s feeling the winter chill too.

  351. I couldn’t get warm last night. The weather seems to be back to T-shirt and shorts weather, and if only the wind would drop enough to make it pleasant to be out on the SUP, I’d be a well-satisfied woman.
    I must get you to tell me more about Bluesfest, MM, so I know what to plan for.
    Can you actually secure your camping residence, or is it easy for people to break in & steal whatever they want?
    I think we might go the Glamping – Sal’s aches & pains are catching up with mine.

    • We brought our own pleb tent so I don’t know. But from memory you get to park near your glamp so you could always lock anything in your car. You wouldn’t bring valuables anyway. Your spare knickers should be quite safe.

  352. I thought it was required etiquette to leave those at the beer tent with your first drink.

  353. My recollection was that you have to spin your knickers in the air on your finger before lobbing them at the stage. But then, I only ever went to country music festivals so it might be different.

  354. At Blues gigs, you’re either not wearing knickers in the first place, or you had some but lost them to a harp player during strip poker.

  355. I always told the kidlets, “never play strip poker with a bass player”, but I didn’t know it also applied to harpists. Thanks for the warning.

  356. Well, I mean harmonica players. Who it just occurred to me should possibly be called Harmasochists.

  357. Heh, I thought that was their audience!

  358. That’s people who listen to accordian music – Dischordians..

  359. That’s apt. My mother plays the accordion. Very badly.

  360. I’m strongly opposed to accordions – I’m an Antidischordian.

  361. But it’s a fine instrument! Accordion to my mother, anyway.

  362. groan. I’ve got nothing. I do however have pants on, so I’m off down the creek.

  363. Oh. “down” the creek…
    Thursday was wet and grey and quite cold. We sat beside the fire and read, ate leftovers, drank coffee, tea, scotch and wine – each in its due season. Finished a whole new book!

  364. I’d be jealous, but I’m about to whip up a deep dish apple pie from Mary Berry’s confectionery & cake collection. Mmmmm… pie and custard…

    • Mmmm…. indolence and custard.

      Mind you, everything goes well with indolence.

  365. The pie’s in the oven now. I’m wondering if I should just toss the chicken ravioli with pumpkin and spinach into the bin and just have pie and custard for dinner.

    • Oh yum. I know that recipe, Catty. It all sounds absolutely fabulous.
      We had fart soup for dinner because the Bloke has come home with the sniffles. Luckily I still have a good stockpile of French onion soup in the freezer to do battle with the dreaded manflu.
      * Shakes fist at our resident plague brewer.

  366. Save the ravioli! i bet the pie was outstanding though. Did you lovingly photograph it?

  367. It was very pretty. The Gimmee took a photo for her instagram. It was delicious, but the pastry was a little thin for deep dish, so the slices collapsed a bit when I tried to lift them out of the dish. I’ll just make more pastry next time and roll it thicker.

    We did have the ravioli. It smelled strange, but tasted wonderful. LK wouldn’t touch it, though, insisting that he wasn’t hungry. Same with the pie. Then shortly after I went to bed, we could smell peanut butter toast, and half an hour later we could smell bacon, so I guess he was hungry after all. Fussy bugger.

    The Gimmee almost didn’t come over for dinner because she has the ‘flu too. We told her to come anyway because MK and the Boss are both still hoarse and dribbling, and there wasn’t much chance she could make them worse. Poor Bloke, he’s in for a long haul if he’s got the same plague as my lot. You might have to make moar soup, Q.

  368. Oh that’s dragged on for ages. Poor all of you. Get well soon!

    In cold (but not flu) related news, I loaned Mum your gorgeous socks to take to Adelaide, Catty, and she was so impressed she found her own pair at the markets there. I got mine back just in time for the cold snap and so far have only taken them off to shower. I might smuggle them to work under my slacks. It’s finally actually cold!

  369. I know, Zonk just said it’s 5C on the coast this morning. Tell me more about these socks and their delectable warmth, MM. And Jeebus, Catty, I do hope the Bloke doesn’t have whatever you’ve had – didn’t they come down with that three weeks ago?
    Horrible bloody viruses.
    The Bloke said he’s just a bit sniffly this morning & I’m hoping that good food & a day in the sun on our SUPs has done his immune system a power of good. I’ve been making porridge every morning, so hopefully all that Vitamin B in the oats will frighten the goblins away.
    I’m very jealous of your children, Catty. Nobody makes me ravioli. Although the Bloke did defrost spag bog last night for our dinner. At least he’s handy with the microwave, and he’s a fabulous cleaner upper, I’ll give him that.

  370. They’re lined with tufts of raw cotton,Q … and mine are also red-and-whit striped, like the Wicked Witch of the West’s. Catty was sweet and said they were Cat In The Hat socks, but we all knew what they really were.

    And may the lurgy not darken your door.

  371. Oh, goodness yes, I also hope the icky bugs keep out of our systems. I’m glad the socks have been useful. Mine are starting to get baggy from constant wearing and washing, but so is everything else I wear.

    I’m also glad that you finally got some of the cold weather. Not that I understand why you want it. I am so over it! Roll on Spring!

  372. So is my skin, come to mention it. Do you think I should cut back on showering?

  373. No, you just need your showers to be hotter. Hot water shrinks my jeans; for sure it will shrink skin.

  374. Hmm … I wash in cold water, yet my jeans are shrinking too. I;m sure it’s got nothing to do with Tim Tams, though, right?

  375. I’ve been so busy with the active pup & dog club & horse riding once a week & CWA every fortnight & the SUP thing that my arse has done some shrinking…I might need to dig some smaller sized jeans out of the tardis capsules in the dreaded Box Room.
    That might be a nice side benefit of the Paws – I gained 10lb when I turned 40 & the hormonal BS kicked in. It’d be nice if things went back to normal now that all that crap seems to be past. Hold on ladies, it is soooooo worth it. Coming up to nearly a year with no visits from that Bitch Irma & I think that’s how they count the blessed end, isn’t it?

  376. Yes, so I’m told. Huzzah, that’s two of us down. Fingers crossed she loses the page in her planner with Catty’s address in it, next.

  377. Yes please! That sounds sooooo good!

  378. Honestly it’s been a breeze. You’ll love it.

  379. It’s wonderful. My skin has started to wrinkle up a fair bit so stock up on Vitamin E cream, but yes. Quality of life, now that bitch is gone.

  380. You hear a lot about women going mental with The Blessed Pause, but I’ve never felt more stable. None of that wretched monthly urge to kill or be killed, any more.

  381. So… loss of motivation, then? Oh. I’ll never get anything done.

  382. Oh, it’s not like you become completely sane and rational. i don’t want to over-sell it.

  383. That’s good. Most of the women in my family cry a lot and throw out all their memorabilia. I wasn’t looking forward to that.

  384. Good Lord. Well, we did have skip day, but it was mostly garden waste and broken things I chucked out. If any memorabilia went, it was because it was busted or vermin had nibbled on it. And I only ever cry about stupid things if I’m very tired or sick. Like dropping the veges before I can get them into the guinea pig cage.

  385. That is a distressing scenario. When you’ve gone to all the trouble of fluting the radishes and curling the celery, it’s not pleasant to see it land on the floor. Oh, wait, that’s just my piggie, isn’t it?

  386. I was just crying because all the grated carrot went in to the grass and I was too tired to pick it all up.

    But I’m feeling much better now.

  387. That’s good. You don’t deserve to be sad. You deserve to be blissfully content. Mwah!

  388. I’m as happy as a weasel today, and will remain so until I get to Woolies and am faced with The Never-Ending Dilemma of What Is For Dinner?

  389. As Marie-Antoinette said, ‘let them eat cake.’

  390. I concur. Bring forth the CAEK!

  391. Fabulous idea. Growing boys need calcium. We can have cheesecake!

  392. I’m a growing boy? Oh. That explains a lot.

  393. Although not the existence of your children. But yes, it is most definitely cheesecake weather. Bring it!

  394. Huh. Sometimes I suspect the Boss has had affairs and is lying about me being their mother. Especially after last weekend, when LK was singing along with Bomfunk MC’s ‘Freestyler’, but with the lyrics, “Cheese, straight from the top of my bowl, as I guac-guac-guac-guac-guaca-guacamole!” His sisters were on the floor in hysterics while I was researching DNA tests.

  395. I grew up wishing I’d find out I was adopted. It would’ve explained a lot & it would’ve been marvellously reassuring to know that nothing untoward would creep out in my DNA. It’s for the best I didn’t breed, that’s certain.

  396. Personally I think we could do with more of your kind, Q.

  397. I am a freak and a throwback to 5 generations ago, Catty. Humanity would probably have to suffer another four generations of psychopaths, addicts, alcoholics & Stepford wives before my recessive genes would rebound back out of that pile of shit.

  398. Oh, we can’t all go thinking like that or we’d die out in a generation …. hmmm. Actually, Q, I think you’re onto something there.

  399. There’s a report floating around in the media, that says male sperm counts have dropped by 50% in the last 40 years. It looks like Bill Gates was serious about killing us all off after all.

  400. Unsurprising. I thought that’s what they had in mind when they released Grand Theft Auto.

  401. There’s so many sperm per ejaculate, I fell like there’s a fair bit of wriggle room still.

    • Maybe. But if the trend continues we’ll be heading upstream without a paddle.

    • Ok, if by “out” you mean “back to bed”.

  402. LOL.
    Don’t look at me. It’s not like I’m short of banjos where I come from.

  403. All this talk of banjos makes me feel like some barbecued pork (squeal!)

  404. I can’t help you there, sorry. The postman managed to avoid my hangi pit again this morning. *sigh* It’s like he’s avoiding my ACME ‘free birdseed’ sign on purpose.

  405. I haven’t seen the postie for a few weeks.
    Might be time to trim the weeds so I know when he’s buzzing past. Might stop Wendy crushing her molars, too.

  406. What?!?!! She has no pearls to clutch?!?!! *clutches pearls*

  407. She’s too busy clutching at power in that school to bother with accessories, Catty.
    the Bloke has been doing outdoorsy stuff & said she’s spent the entire weekend on the phone plotting with her friends to bring Adrian down.
    I think she has a quota of staff that are required to resign by the end of each year and numbers are down and the clock’s a-ticking.

  408. A postie will never fall for free birdseed, Catty. From what Q tells us, you need to change the sign to “Wicked Buds”.

  409. I can’t. The rats ate them.

  410. Curses, foiled again.

  411. Dang – I thought I hit the spam wall before.
    I posted ‘LOL’ and the robots told me I was repeating myself & to go away until I could think of something more creative to say.
    Bastard bots. Don’t they know I’m sleepy & there’s a senile cat that wakes me up a dozen times at night nibbling on my ear?

  412. I can’t imagine why they would censure you. We’re not exactly the Marx Sisters.

    As to the nocturnal disturbance though, either you need a muzzle on the cat, or ear muffs on you.

  413. Keep a water bottle by your bed to spritz the little bugger. It works on the Boss.

  414. Q’s got Turkish Vans though. They’d most likely find a nocturnal spritz quite a refreshing sensation.

  415. Still, it’s worth a try – as long as they don’t spritz her back.

  416. Good point. I’d much prefer any amount of nibbling.

    • LOL.
      (& FU to the Spam wall if it doesn’t like it that time)

  417. “Take it easy, Edward!”

  418. At least Q’s cats don’t sparkle. i like low to no lighting in the boudoir.

  419. Mmmmm…. glitter….

    • As long as it’s not the Gary kind, I’m a fan.

  420. Urk. Quite.
    Sorry for my daily absences – it’s been utterly glorious down on the creek so by the time I’ve taken the dog for his early morning walk, been out on my SUP & then done laps at the pool & stopped in at the shops, the day is done.
    We’re very excited at the chance to buy an even better & bigger 2nd hand race board from the Tuesday morning SUP training crew, and then I can go out and join the SUP squad folk when we become a two car family, hopefully by the end of the year.
    Pretty much everyone I’ve become friends with on the creek is in that Tuesday & Thursday morning SUP training team & I would just lurve to join them. Especially on days like today, doing the Coolangatta to Currumbin paddle. The ocean has been flat and clear as crystal, oh the magic of it.
    Nblob was right, I’m turning into a leathery old surfer-girl thanks to the lifestyle here.
    Bliss. Dog school tomorrow, and then I’ve got appointments in the afternoon.
    Have I mentioned how much I love it here?
    NTO and the horrors of Freak Street are fast fading to ‘Did I fecking hallucinate all of that?’

    • No, I saw her with my own two eyes on more than one occasion. There was an article about an inner urban fire recently, I clicked through thinking the deep fat fryer might he finally brought her down but it was the other side of the river.

      • Dang. Oh well, there’s always another ditzy Asian student finding their feet far from mother & Wok Inferno is just a dribble of sesame oil away.

  421. It does sound blissful. And if you start feeling nostalgic for drama, all you need to do is open your window and listen to WW’s latest phone rant. Or ask me for the latest news on the Gimmee. Ugh, that girl does drama like Debbie does Dallas.

  422. I know I’m going to regret asking, but what is it this time? Another housing crisis, or has she finally tested the limits of Centrelink’s patience?

  423. She’s trying to get her own place because the guy who has the lease is being a complete dick. He keeps yelling at everyone (i.e, her) to wash dishes when it’s their turn, pick up their food scraps off the floor, dispose of their cats’ faeces, pay their share of the bills…. you know, the same abusive behaviour that drove her to move out of home and get away from a monster mother who kept demanding that she bathe occasionally, and do her homework, and maybe pick up a broom once in a while. Anyway, she is having difficulties getting approved for a place because a): she has zero money saved, and debt collectors raiding her Centrelink payments, b): she isn’t eligible for a bond loan because rent in her area, even for a tiny bedsit, is equal to a full Centrelink payment, and she doesn’t want to move to a cheaper area, c): has zero I.D because she has ‘lost’ her birth certificate but can’t afford to order a copy, and still hasn’t handed in the medicare card application form that I filled in for her, and it is allegedly ‘too hard’ to apply for an 18+ card, and last but not least, d): “nobody will get off their arse and help meeeeeee!”. This is a direct quote, shrieked at least five times over the last two days, which I spent driving her around, and filling in her forms, and making phone calls, and searching on line for information she needed – but apparently putting my life and family on hold to do all this for her is sitting on my arse. *sigh* Sorry for offloading all that. It gets so frustrating sometimes.

    • Oh, I forgot to mention that this monster she lives with has had the audacity to put a sign up above the toilet, asking his housemates to flush when they’re done. How abusive is that!?!??

      • I hear him on the flushing. Pet, I know she’s your firstborn and maternal guilt goes into the bone marrow but surely you’ve done enough now? Of course it’s frustrating, and it’s a terrible use of your time that’s already limited by pain and fatigue.

        Oh, and you never have to apologize for off-loading. That’s what we’re here for xoxoxo

  424. You’re a sweetheart. Thank you. Mwah!

    • Absolutely what MM said.
      And you know my philosophy on this, learned the hard way from my family – you do nobody any favours by saving them from their problems. You’re just denying them the opportunity to discover how much more capable and intelligent and resourceful they are than lesser beings….such as you.

  425. If my trousers are anything to go by, I’m not quite as lesser as I used to be. My waistband seems to think I’m substantially more-er.

  426. Awwww, you’re a darling! Mwah!

  427. That reminds me, I haven’t made cake for ages, and I haven’t made any cheesecake at all this winter.
    Must attend to that, and soon.

    • Good plan. I might whip up one more cauldronfull of pumpkin soup before we’re back to salad weather.

      • I want a cauldron.

    • The irony! I’ve just been informed that LK has committed to making a batch of cupcakes tonight for a fundraiser at school tomorrow morning. I have no problem with him making cupcakes for a school fundraiser. But he has a Council youth leadership team meeting tonight, so I have to make and decorate the cupcakes for him while he’s at the meeting. Gee, thanks LK.

  428. Also, working behind the scenes in one way or another, this now takes much of our time.

  429. Just once, I’d like to get out of bed without immediately freezing solid. It’s colder than an eskimo’s bum down here, Bruce.

  430. Really? It’s so warm up here we’re back to strolling around after a shower to air dry, rather than rushing back into clothes.

    Swap you!

  431. I wish. The Boss has (again) decided that we should stop looking for houses until the kidlets have finished school. I’m all for that idea, because not having to consider their schooling would make relocation to QLD a viable proposition. I give it a month before he changes his mind (yet again) and starts looking for local properties. Ugh. I need warmth!

  432. It’d probably do wonders for your achey joints up here, Catty. Oh well, wait and see.

  433. I dunno, I’ve managed to have this Ross River thing despite the unseasonably warm weather, so that might not work. You should come up here to be closer to us!

  434. The good thing about waiting for the kidlets to finish school is that we can leave them here in the house, and travel around QLD until we find the town that feels right. “Jeeves! We wish to drive. Fetch the Maui Van!”

  435. I dunno Catty, all the parents I know who’ve done that have said that their children are the worst tenants they’ve ever had. And that’s from children who’ve been exemplary good citizens up until the point their parents left them Home Alone to caravan about.
    I gather peer-group pressure completely undermines your training the moment you are gone & the house fills up with Other People’s Brats & it all goes to hell.
    If you’re planning on doing that, you’ll need CCTV in every room.

  436. Yeah, I know. But as Morgana will attest, my house is a hovel to start with. They can’t possibly make it any worse than it already is….. hang on, I can hear somebody muttering something. It sounded like “challenge accepted”, but I could be imagining things.

  437. heheheheheheheh.
    Oh well, so long as you’re planning some happy travels, I’m content with that.
    What grade are they all in now, so I know how long you’re term of school imprisonment will last?

  438. LK is in year 8, so he has four more years. If any of them go on to Uni, they’ll be over 18 and can fend for themselves. Or tag along. Whatever.

  439. Catty’s house is not a hovel. Compared to mine it’s immaculate. There was just quite a bit of wool in her walk-in wardrobe, but even that was neatly stacked.

    If they tag along, you’re morally obligated to form a Partridge Family style band, Catty.

  440. I do have rather a lot of wool, don’t I? I could knit a Partridge bus, and we could sing our way up the coast, and people could pay us with chickens and moonshine, like they do for Turtle Man. I love Turtle Man.

  441. Mmm … drunken chicken.

  442. Or, as the French say, Cocky Van. Hey, that sounds even better than Partridge Bus!

  443. Hehehe. Definitely. And I think Jenny Kee has already drafted a pattern for the knitted van cover,

  444. Yes there’s so much crochet around Mudgeeraba that I’m waiting for them to fluff up the school bus.
    What is this turtle man?
    (Said in Helena’s tone of ‘Where are these Mangos?’)

  445. Oh no. I’m so sorry you asked. For, as is written, speak of the Turtle Man and lo, he shall appear.

  446. Aaaaaand here he is!

    Live action!

    • What the…?! His teeth. “Drive it like you stole it”

      • If it’s his teeth, shouldn’t that be “eat it like you stole them?”

  447. Whooeeee!

  448. No. words.

  449. Apparently he had a TV show and was a “nuisance wildlife remover”. But the show was faked and his wrangling was both dubiously legal and dramatised (I’m shocked I tell ya!). He lost both the show and his licence.

  450. Yes, all true, but he managed four seasons of the show before they caught him. That’s a whole mess of vittles! There’s good eatin’ on an armadillo, boy.

  451. Did you see that some bloke … probably in Texas …. tried to shoot an armadillo? The bullet ricocheted into his own head #teamarmadillo

    • LOL.
      I hope in the Darwin Awards it gets filed under Texas Armadillo Massacre.

  452. Hehehe…. Did you know that the Aztecs called them ‘Turtle rabbits’? Turtle Man says that the little armoured ones are rife in Louisiana, and a quarter of all armadillos carry the leprosy virus. Sheesh, what with copperhead snakes, leprous armadillos, gators, snapping turtles, and idiots shooting at them all, it would almost be as dangerous as living in Cairns!

  453. Although I’ve just thought of a great new curse.

  454. Well? Come on, share!

  455. “May you be licked in your sleep by a leprous armadillo.”

    Present company excluded.

    • I woke up to that sensation last night but it was just the stoopid senile cat.

  456. It would make a good Aztec insult, too – “more leprous than a turtle rabbit’s piss”.

    • I love the Aztecs. They discovered chocolate.

  457. Best. Currency. Ever. If any of our political candidates ever promises to bring in chocolate as our national currency, I will vote for them repeatedly.

  458. That wouldn’t work in Queensland. Half the year, our assets would be liquid.

  459. Mmmm…. soft currency….

  460. Instead of being the melting pot of society, SEQ could be the fondu pot.

  461. Madness!
    “Where are our savings dear?”
    “I et them. Burp.”

  462. Aaaaand now you know what happened to the Aztec empire.

  463. Mmm … capital.

  464. Of course, I could be wrong. They may have all died of leprosy after being bitten by turtle-rabbits.

    Speaking of being bitten, did you see the follow-up story about those piranha fleas? They reckon the little mites can strip a body in three days. Impressive! I’d wondered why house prices have fallen so much on Phillip Island. Hopefully Darwin was wrong, or they may evolve into land piranhas and wipe us all out. And here we were, worried about zombies!

  465. If they cross pollinate we are in a smurf-load of trouble.

    • Challenge accepted.

  466. I’m loathe to respond because we’re up to 666 comments! However, pirahna fleas make me happy. My fave thing about that story was the young bloke, “So I walked into the house and there’s blood dripping everywhere. So I just kind of look at my Dad, and he looks at me.”

  467. I haven’t read it yet.
    too busy, too happy, and my butt is too sore from today’s horse-riding & the flexor workout from yesterday’s SUP. I forgot to check the wind & the tide before I went out on the creek & I had to fight like a fricking amazon to get back to my launch site. I had no clue that SUP made your arse muscles hurt but there you go.
    I graduated to a more responsive horse today & OMG she is awesome. Debbie is going to take me out on a trail ride up the valley next week for my lesson, and make it early am so we can all stay out of the sun.
    I love that woman, and I love the stables. I spent the morning helping out today & it is just fabulous to be covered in filth & horsey smell again.

  468. Maybe you should read it, Q. If those sea fleas migrate north, you will have more to worry about than the tide. *nomnomnomnomnom*

  469. We’ll be caught between an advance of nomnom lice and the irukandjis coming down from up North … good thing is, it will have an adverse impact on tourist numbers.

  470. Between that & the sharks moving closer in to shore & the crocs swimming down from Harvey Bay, soon the gold coast won’t have any tourarists left to bother me, at all.

  471. *throws away bathers*

    • Plus side, no nreed to shave. People will envy our thick, protective costs.

  472. Way ahead of you there. I haven’t shaved for so long, if I went out in bathers now someone would ring the Zoo to report my escape.

  473. Maybe we could share an enclosure? I’d like a fruit platter delivery every day, and we’d soon get used to people gawking and trying to provoke us through the bars.

  474. And I could realise my fond dream of being free to fling poo at anyone who annoys me.

  475. Could you yell “contact” or something first so I knew to get out of the way? Despite all the nappies under the bridge I’m still not a big poo fan.

  476. Good point. It’s settled, then. I fling poo at the plebes, and caek at you. I’ll even wash my hands first.

  477. I’d offer to come visit and throw fruit but according to my loving family, it’s a miracle I haven’t been popped into a zoo already.

  478. * Rattles cage, shakes fists.

  479. New plan. We put Greybeard in a cage and travel him around as a Wild Man from Borneo, selling views, the opportunity to feed him nuts, snake oil and personalised bibles.

    Who’s in?

    • Um, it was bad enough even before you got to the personalised bibles.

  480. Only if TGP is in charge of security.

    • And now it’s worse.

  481. I thought we might pitch a tent and have him perform miracles, with cash-for-curses on the side.

  482. It would look good on his CV when he applies for Assassin jobs.

    Don’t fret, GB, we will make sure you have plenty of alternative remedies for your aches and pains. I think I have a spare bottle of shark cartilage lying around somewhere, and we’ll even give you a staff discount on the snake oil and personalised bible.

  483. i think we’ve got some slightly expired fish oil tablets and i can whip up any homeopathics you care to mention. All it takes is a drop of brandy, tap water and plenty of woo-woo.

  484. Ooooh, I like woo-woo! You get to wear such pretty earrings.

  485. About this tour – will there be cage fighting?
    Twitter will want to know.

    • no, but expect the usual wrangling over the last piece of CAEK.

    • As long as we’re in separate cages. And I have a 3m cake fork.

      • You’ll be lucky if you’re not eating out of a bucket, like the rest of us.

  486. Bucket? Looxury! When I were a lad, we had to eat out of cardboard box!

    • Did it have Coco Pops in it? Because we did that, too.

  487. No, lass, we had to eat our Coco Pops out of hole in road.

  488. I read that as Coco Poops.
    Time to call my optometrist, and perhaps review my medication.

  489. I was just talking to someone today about how SpecSavers makes people update their frames every time they get new glasses. Like, how are we supposed to know what frames suit us if we’re bloody well blind? You can’t tell if they’re any good until it’s too late, and even if they did let you change, how would you know which frames looked better? It’s a rort. A rort, I tell you!

  490. Weird, they told me they’d happily recycle my frames.
    Must be a Victorian thing.

  491. Well, they also have that windscreen replacement of second-hand cars thingo, so it all seems to kind of tie in.

  492. Huh. Melbourne has a lot to answer for. And that’s without this bloody woeful weather.

    We had a real estate agent call yesterday, telling us about an off-market house. It’s not listed online yet, but there are still photos from the last time it sold. He assures us it’s been fully renovated since then, which is a pity, as the kidlets and I were amused by the previous decor. Check it out!

  493. Hehehe. That dining room is eerily familiar, We had that room. Mum still has the sideboard. And I mourn the loss of the pretty purple bathroom.

    Looks like a nice area. You should totally check it out!

  494. Holy crap, that lemon yellow. A cat could piss all over those cupboards and you’d never ever know.

  495. It is a jolly kitchen. Imagine trying to find the Berocca with a hangover!

  496. I can’t imagine anyone could ever be depressed in such a sunny kitchen. And yes, I mourn the loss of the pretty bathroom too. Every princess needs a pink throne!

    • It looks like a good solid house. Are ýou going to have a squizz?

  497. I want to, but the Boss drove past it on his way to the hospital yesterday and said “NO”. It’s a corner block, triangle shaped, and only a block from the hospital, so there would be a lot of sirens and traffic, with little privacy. I’m still nagging him, though, so fingers crossed I’ll get to check it out.

    He had a scan at the hospital, and it looks like there’s no displacement, but he still has to have a different scan to find out if there’s a compression fracture. Still, no displacement is a good thing, yeah?

  498. Oh a very good thing. It should mean his spinal cord is quite safe, and that was the real worry. Still he’s youngish to have his bones demineralising. Does he get his dairy?

  499. He loves his milkshakes. Seriously, it’s a wonder he isn’t looking for properties on Miami Beach, just so he can be close to Kelis’ yard.

  500. i knew we were kindred spirits! Gigantor’s been bringing me home delicious dairy, from the cafe. Yesterday’s was a mango smoothie. Mmmmm.

  501. Well that’s good news about hubby, Catty.
    Sounds like he might be right about the house location – remember how the helipad drove me totally over the edge? Even if there isn’t one yet, it could be like ours – an add-on, to come along later. Just after you’ve gotten settled & got the place looking lovely.
    And huzzah for dairy. I restocked on macadamia brittle ice-cream from Woollies the other day. The cat went nuts over it, it had been a long wait.
    Still, worth it to fit back into all of my PANTS.
    That reminds me, we were sifting through the washing pile yesterday and the Bloke stalked in with a pair of red size L Calvin Klein y-fronts yesterday (men’s) and wanted to know which of my lovers had left them here.
    I stared & boggled. I have flatly refused to touch his washing since we first moved in together & he’s forbidden under pain of becoming a eunuch from touching mine. I pointed out that as I have hung out no men’s knickers to dry & my whites have not turned pink, then either the Underpants Gnomes have been up to their trickery again or else he’s brought them home with his own sweaty smalls from one of his lunchtime trips to the gym.
    Seriously, like I even know any men who wear fecking pants. And like men who wear Calvin Klein would touch me with their barge poles.
    What does he take me for, FFS?

  502. …. In the dead of night, a lurking figure waited … biding her time … the bitterness in her heart was blacker than the shadows. The stillness hung heavy, like an awkward pause. She made her move. Slinking past the slumbering pets, her unerring sense of mischief sought and found the darkened laundry room. A pile of clothing slumped, as it had for some days, untouched in a dusty basket. Smirking, she scooped the top layer of garments aside, dropping in her boyfriend’s conspicuously mismatched reggies in the centre before shoving the displaced items over them. Quietly, her feet guided by the light of a waning moon, she made her way back outside, circumventing the chook poop and spiky plants as she rounded the fence and crept back into her own abode. “Now we wait!”, she giggled manically, fantasising about the argument that would ensue when Andrew the Psychopath found a strange man’s undergarments in his irritatingly perfect wife’s laundry basket …

  503. Putting aside the Mystery of the Red Knickers (good title btw) I found just the house for you Catty. Considering the sheer style, perfect for any of us really.

    • Oh, it’s lovely but I’d never be able to keep it clean!

  504. Also I hate renos. Especially when I have to fold myself into a floor-level kitchen cupboard with screwdriver and drill. Too old for this crap.

  505. Oh God yes, screw renos.
    And too funny, Catty.
    I should’ve known that it was Princess WhinyPants, who else do I know that has it in for me & has access to designer undies?

  506. Hehehe. Catty, you need to start writing Whining Wendy fanfic. There should be a chapter with torrential rain and a huge mudslide, for a start.

    You don’t even need helicopters for annoyance value. My first thought was “parking”. You’d need a snowplough to keep your driveway clear.

    GB – me, too. That’s why I have a Gigantor.

  507. Also, why is there a bidet inset into that marble handrail?

  508. At a guess, I’d say it’s so the children don’t leave skid marks on the rail when they slide down.

  509. It’s at the base of the stairs though. Splash landing?

  510. Oh, yes please! I haven’t been to a water slide in years!

  511. Did you ever go to that breakneck one in the Glasshouse Mountains? The wedgie I got from that I’m still trying to unpluck. It was not far from the few corrugated iron sheds full of reptiles that were the beginning of Australia Zoo

  512. That sounds awesome! The slide, that is, not the reptiles. *shudder*

  513. I didn’t tell you – with his newfound pay cheque, Gigantor plans to buy a juvenile jungle coastal python. Looks like the Guinea Pigs have now got a retirement plan.

  514. Excellent plan. There’s good eatin’ on a Guinea Pig.

  515. So my landscaper tells me. Yandina Community Gardens have got a lot to answer for.

  516. I comfort myself with the knowledge that, given half the chance, the Guinea Pigs would feel no remorse about eating me. Our little fur potato is not averse to taste-testing our fingers.

  517. Wow. Won’t the cats freak out?

  518. They’ve got Liam’s room and the enclosure, so they won’t know Snakey is in Declan’s room.

    Anyway, when it comes to us it’s small enough to live in a 7 litre Sistema so it’s more likely to get scared of them.

  519. You’re working on the presumption that he’s going to stay in the Sistema. Nope Ropes have a habit of going walkabout. Sorry, no legs. Slitherabout.

  520. Hehehe. Slitherabout.

    Well, Gigantor is also going to Uni in Brisbane and taking Nova with him, so she won’t get too big here.

  521. Note to self: Stay away from Brisbane Uni.

  522. Note to self: wait for intriguing tales of expulsion from tutorials.
    This is going to make my uni-rat fetish look really rather tame.

  523. Tame… until the uni-rat meets the uni-snake. Then things might get interesting.

  524. I don;t think he’s planning to take her to tutes. But thanks, I’ll make sure he’s not now.

    I’m trying to persuade him to get some Boyle’s Forest Dragons instead. They’re so cute – Pokemon lizards.

  525. Eevee, Kecleon or Deciguana?

    I can’t believe I even know this stuff.

  526. They sound much more cat & tutorial friendly.
    Do eeeet.

  527. He says they’re harder to keep – they need feeding every day. Ha! I’ve been providing three meals a day plus snacks for more than 16 years and he thinks LIZARDS are hard to keep?

  528. Heh, only three meals a day? My teenagers manage at least 4. Plus snacks.

  529. Good grief, I am a steady grazer & like my horsey friends, I eat all day.

  530. I’m so hungry, I could eat a…. oh, look! A horse!

  531. I’m making boiled pineapple-rum fruit cake. Save the horse & glut on that.

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