Hell’s Kitchen
18 October, 2011

Dawn Montesdeoca, 60 was arrested and charged with domestic battery in Chicago on Sunday, following a… erm, sticky… altercation with her husband. She allegedly pelted him with cupcakes.

I don’t understand Seppo legal terms – surely you should only be charged with battery if you hurl uncooked cake mixture?

In the Chicago Tribune’s nail-biting account we hear:…she reached for the box of desserts and directed a fusillade of snack cakes at his head and body, her husband told police. Several of the confections apparently hit their mark, as the man’s head and shirt were smudged with icing when officers arrived, according to a police report.

Oh, the patisserie!

Bail was set at $10,000, which by my calculations, assuming poor Dawn started with a box of a dozen delicious weapons of mass tastiness, is more than $833 per cake. She’d be thanking her lucky stars by now that she didn’t go him with a pavlova, or something really dangerous.

But the frosting thickens. Despite 56 year old Mr Montesdeoca’s claims that he was scared for his safety, he has been arrested three times since 2003 on domestic violence charges, which were all eventually dropped.

Sounds to me like he got his just desserts.

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Eggstreme
11 September, 2010

From the “It could only happen in the U.S.” files:

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/world/five-die-in-mans-rage-over-how-his-eggs-were-cooked-for-breakfast/story-e6frg6so-1225919373575?from=public_rss

Seems that a man,  enraged by an inadequate breakfast, went on a shooting rampage, killing five people before turning the gun on himself. Sadly, only one of the victims was responsible for preparing the questionable eggs.

It got me wondering, though, about over-reaction in general. I mean, look at road rage. Many of us seem to be simmering along, constantly teetering close to the edge of a complete meltdown. Why, for the love of transcendental meditation? Sure, there’s global financial existential angst and the ever-present threat of zombie attack, but is life really so much harder now than, oh, I dunno, the Dark Ages?

People of earth, get a grip. Having said that, though, do tell. How and why have you blown your top? And did you achieve anything other than catharsis?

Pancake-arama
25 July, 2010

Many thanks to all who attended the recent pancake fest: Greybeard and his lovely wife, Mayhem, Monster Yuppy, Janet and Quokka. Judging by the speed and comprehensive way in which everyone’s breakfast was consumed we all enjoyed our pancakes. The coffee, however, was so monumentally, outstandingly,  excruciatingly atrocious that it deserves special mention:

IF YOU GO TO THE PANCAKE MANOR, WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T ORDER THE COFFEE!

Unless, of course, you’re running low on chemical weapons and you need to stock up. In which case, go for your life – get a whole pot.

Jihad Kebab
3 February, 2010

A – to prove I’m not being unPC – half-Lebanese friend of mine and I are talking about opening a kebab shop: Jihad Kebab. The currently available kebabs  are sad, flabby rolls of pallid meat and limp vegetables. I prefer a kebab that’ll bite back, a kebab that will go down reluctantly, fighting all the way and possibly stage a resurgence at some later point in the digestive process. A kebab that takes force majeure to overcome.

We’ll wrap ’em in fire-engine red paper –  much as, in nature, poisonous plants and venomous animals warn off would be predators – and incorporate a length of jute, to create the effect of a fuse poking out the end.

Our motto?: Hot sauce to the infidels!

Mango Insanity
13 January, 2010

Mango trees in Brisbane have gone berserk. Favorable growing conditions have  resulted in a mega-glut of the tropical fruit. Residents under siege compared the clunk clunk clunk of fruit hitting their tin roofs to being strafed in the blitz – yeah, that was a resident in her 90’s. Council rubbish trucks  can’t lift wheely bins full of unwanted rotting fruit. The solution – a chutney recipe.

Don’t get me wrong, chutney’s great with curry or on a cold lamb sandwich. But how many gigalitres of chutney does the average household consume in a century?

Maybe we should cook up all surplus mangos and crate the chutney to NSW. It seems their economy is exploring the Coriolis effect, spiralling faster and faster down the economic plughole.

Chutney for Cockroaches! Victory Chutney!

I like it – it’s got a good, old-school ring. Chutney hard, Brisbanites.

Mystery Spending
12 January, 2010

Just read a newspaper article:

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,26582157-953,00.html

Apparently,  Australians are the sloppiest cash managers in the world, losing track of an average of $60/week.

ONLY $60? Maybe it’s just me. I’m  convinced that those ‘anti-theft’ scanners in the supermarket are  money evaporators. Here’s how it works. Your income, initially in a solid state in your purse, wallet or back pocket is vaporised into a volatile gas. Then (insert name of hypermegaglobal shop here) reclaim the dosh from the filters in their air-conditioning  ducts. It’s the only way I can explain the amount of money that disappears  every time I go grocery shopping.

Thanks for Thanksgiving Blog
28 November, 2009

Haven’t really got a clue about Thanksgiving, and what it means to Seppos. Extensive sitcom viewing in my undergraduate years has produced a few by-product factoids – I gather it’s got something to do with Pilgrims, Native Americans and Turkeys.

Ignorance and disinterest notwithstanding, by clicking on random links in the NY Times Book Reviews, I found this little gem:

http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/26/back-to-the-land/

Enjoy your sweet potato and marshmallows, y’all.