Hayastan Shakarian, Freedom Fighter.
In part two of an accidental series on inspirationally deranged crones, allow me to draw your attention to Ms Hayastan Shakarian, the 75 year old Armenian woman and Georgia resident. Armed only with the rusty saw depicted, Hayastan killed the internet in Georgia and Armenia for more than 12 hours on the 28th of March this year.
Although it would be fabulous to report that Hayastan pulled off a deliberate act of sabotage, rumours that she had been motivated by the thirst to revenge herself on duplicitous lover Julian Assange remain unsubstantiated.
In fact, Ms Shakarian claims that the incident was completely inadvertent and occurred while she was scavenging for scrap metal in the forest. Indeed, she denies any knowledge of the Internet at all.
There’s so much wrong with this story I hardly know where to start.
Authorities who insist that Hayastan has made a full confession refused to address concerns that their evidential documents had been ratified several hours before the actual outage. When questioned they blamed the discrepancy on power surges caused by the cut cable and on more in-depth questioning they deported this reporter.
Surely a post-menopausal woman roaming the forests of Central Europe should be seeking small children to devour, rather than scrounging to eke out her subsistence existence? Why has evil witchcraft become so unprofitable in harsh modern times?
Most importantly, though, it’s an absolute disgrace that this pensioner doesn’t have better scavenging tools. I can’t help feeling that a DitchWitch would be perfect for the job and am currently acting for Hayastan to negotiate a spokesmodelling deal with the manufacturers.
Now we know what Hayastan can do, I say we should harness her destructive powers for good. After our meeting with DitchWitch office, I’m unleashing her on a certain Government office with a can of energy drink and a manicure set.
Wish us luck!