Cause and Effect
26 April, 2011

Christopher Walken as the Angel of Death.

In a lyrically traditional piece of symbolism, the Angel of Death passed over my house on Easter Sunday. We enjoyed a low-key and major-incident-free celebration with family and close friends. As one might expect from the events of Christmas, though:-

for those of you whose merciful memories have suppressed the Yuletide incident – we came unstuck yesterday.

Magic Man, like the proud little digger he is, shed blood on ANZAC day. It all started when I was at blissful repose, inside the makeshift cone of silence I’d cobbled together from headphones, my internet connection and Youtube. Magic Man came rushing into the room, face twisted in anguish, gabbling something or other than for some reason I couldn’t interpret. Oh, the headphones – right. When I took them off, I heard:

‘A chook’s gotten out of the chook yard and The Dangerous Dog is out, too!’

Since the Dangerous Dog was doing his best to trip Magic Man up – i.e. arguably inside at the time – I failed to panic.

‘Settle down, mate. The chook’s gotten out before.’

And it has. My chook yard might as well be Stalag 13, the number of times this chook has escaped. It may be that Tikka is so stupid – even by chook standards – that she can’t realise we’ve got a free-ranging hound out here and she’s got food, water, shelter and companions in there. It may be that she’s a poultrine freedom fighter, protesting her interment at Villawood by the Sea. It may be chaos theory in action. Whatever the root cause, the kids and I have got re-capturing and returning her down to a fine art. We sprang into action.

Livestock corralled, we conducted a forensic assessment of the scene of the crime. There was clear evidence of dog-digging along the front fence line and a new gap along the back fence.

‘Aha!’ we concluded, ‘DD tried to dig in and Tikka panicked and fled out the back through a tunnel she’d made ready.’

The bloodshed came when he tried to patch up the yard. To cut to the chase, Magic Man stumbled backwards and stepped hard onto the upturned edge of the Weber lid. Which, as it happens, is sharp enough to gash a gusher into the sole of a 10 year old’s foot.

There was wailing, there was a great deal of invective hurled at Elf Boy – who was blamelessly on the other side of the backyard at the time, there was limping, there were tears. I got him in the shower first, to rinse off the archaeological layers of mud, blood and chook poo.

Elf Boy tried to help by yanking his brother’s dick ‘To distract him from the pain in his foot.’

I responded with a string of curse words delivered in a tone of voice so many octaves below my normal pitch that for a moment I wondered if I’d finally been possessed by an incubus.

In conclusion, I patched Magic Man up and after another day’s rest and elevation of the affected limb I hope he’ll be fit for camp. Some of it, at least. They’re only travelling 40 clicks or so south from us, so I can always go and change his dressing if required.

Needless to say, though, I’m fearful of the terror the Labour Day long weekend might hold. Stay tuned.


Bacon and Babes
28 March, 2010

Now that I’ve got your attention…

I was fortunate to attend a delightful Burger Breakfast  yesterday and meet Quokka, Mayhem,  Greybeard and his charming wife and GirlClumsy. Much bacon was consumed by all, and the only exercise performed – other than chewing – was when one of our party walked outside slowly for a cigarette.

Mayhem filled us in on the Melbourne goss and produced photos of some the Melbourne contingent (Catty and Havsy, your secret identities are no longer secret from us! *insert evil cackle, echoing hollowly as though round an underground world domination bunker*).

Quokka gave us an update on the Irish problem – she’s an excellent accent mimic, anybody need an Irish voiceover artist? The drunken idiots sound even funnier than when you read about their exploits in phonetics.

Greybeard explained the finer points of medieval weaponry, but when asked about the welfare of Mayhem’s Mum he only gave a Mona Lisa smile and assured us that the oubliette is quite water tight.

GirlClumsy gave us behind-the-scenes insights into the upcoming premiere extravaganza “Tassie Babes in Outer Space”. We’re all looking forward to the day-glo body paint, I’m sure.

The only real problem was that we didn’t have time… or room… for dessert. Hopefully there’ll be an encore performance. Thanks, everyone!